Reminisce and Restart

The sound of fireworks blasting off in the background accompanied by notification sounds from the incoming 'Happy New Year' texts caught me a bit off-guard this year. Just like that, another year was ushered in before I was mentally prepared to part with the old one. I guess too many things have happened in 2015 that it all seemed to go by too quickly for it to sink in.

Was 2015 a good year?

As I reminisce the previous year on my mental screen, a plethora of images flash past; new encounters, building precious bonds from both old and new acquaintances, new experiences, a bit of soul searching; I discovered parts of me that I had long forgotten and/or never knew. There were plenty of surprises and countless moments when I'd go to bed thanking God for blessing me with so much, but there were also moments of uncertainty, frustration and weakness that I'd feel numb and empty inside. But even at those times, I was immensely blessed with people who'd console me and convince me that it'd all be okay as well as those who'd be strict with me so I'd realize how silly I was being. 

Some key takeaways from 2015 would be:

1. "Take a leap of faith." If you don't know where you want to go and you're lost without direction, that means you can pretty much go anywhere; anywhere at all would be a step forward. Give yourself a chance, expect nothing but do your best anyway and life will surprise you.

2."Whenever you lose, there's something to gain. Lose the battle if you will, but don't lose the lesson." Yes, you can't always win, but who says losing's a bad thing? If you take the fall, you'll know for sure what to not do the next time. 

3. "Be true to yourself; change only for yourself." There used to be this saying from an anime that is vividly etched in my head even though its origins are a bit fuzzy; "I'd rather be hated for being myself than be loved for being someone I'm not." Of course, you should totally adapt to new environments and work culture, but if you have to down some shots just to 'fit in', well, I'd prefer to have friends who appreciate me when they're sober.

4. "Life is too short to be spent worrying about unchangeable yesterdays and uncertain tomorrows." Nobody can tell what tomorrow brings. You can worry about it all you want, or you could spend all those precious minutes on something else that's more fulfilling, tomorrow will come regardless. It's not going to punish you any less for not worrying about it, similarly there is nothing rewarding about unfounded fears. There is a fine line between mental preparation and exhausting anticipation. Enjoy the 'now' as it is, because our clocks are all mercilessly ticking away.

The flashback ends there, but the road doesn't.

"Today is the first blank page of a 366-paged book. Write a good one."

I absolutely intend to. Time to hit [Restart].

Hey, if it's not too late, I still want to be friends.

"Don't let the fear of getting hurt or suffering a loss stop you from doing what you want to do, because I know you won't want to regret not doing something."

"Problems will come, things will happen in the most unexpected ways. But as long as your heart's still beating, no matter how exhausted you are, you'll be able to deal with it. The Qian Wen I know can do that and much more."

"There will be times when you wish for more and other people's lives will seem more fulfilling and joyful, but that's not your life. You have your own umeboshi* people are envious of so even if you can't see it yet, know and believe that it's there."

Darn did those words hit home. It was as if the 15 and 17-year old me caught me when I was desperately hiding and running away.

十字路。

Crossroads.

I've tried so hard to make myself believe that I've finally picked a path, but in actual fact, I was always still there. The crossroads are never-ending and the path is ever winding. The spot where I stood 6 years ago has an uncanny resemblance with the spot I currently tread on my feet.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I picked Actuarial Studies to start. Part of it was because I had convinced myself, like many others, that math was my niche and so it was the right career path. Part of it might have been due to its high-paying prospects. But part of it was also probably to avoid having to keep looking for a different major to dive into, and that I could try to challenge this 'extremely difficult' major to see if it was 'The One'.

And so I lived through what was supposed to be an enlightening three-year degree for two and a half years, at the end of which, I was so exhausted and tired, I convinced myself I needed a break. Whether it was really because I needed a break or whether I was approaching my limits, I don't really know for sure.

Enter the following year when I finally started to work, I told myself that I would give Actuarial a try. And that was where I learnt that I had learnt nothing at all, that three-- two and a half years in uni with 5 professional exemptions, didn't equip me in the slightest for what was to come. There were language barriers, communication difficulties, awkward ensuing silences, unfounded expectations with poor support leading to a very, very insecure me. Imagine going onto a battlefield empty-handed, waging war when you didn't even know whose side you were on and who your comrades were. That was probably how I felt, but I stuck to it anyway, trying my best in whatever little I could do, appreciating the smallest help I got (I really am eternally grateful to those helping hands) but deep inside, I couldn't wait to get it over and done with. 

The freedom I felt when it was all over. I managed to convince myself, with little effort, that it was not for me. That it wasn't meant to be. That maybe, I have a different calling. That there must be something else that I could do better.

"It's okay to rely on people once in a while, there's no shame in asking for guidance when you're lost."

Secretly, deep down inside, I was afraid. Afraid that if I told them what I really felt and went through, they would verify that I wasn't good enough for Actuarial after all. It sounds so stupid thinking about it out loud like this, but it made me realize that what I was really afraid of was being disassociated from Actuarial, that I actually liked it more than I thought. 

"Hold on to that frustration of being the weakest, because that is a sign that you haven't given up on yourself yet."

Today, I finally broke the ice and talked to someone Qualified about it. Granted, it took a bit of a push for me to do it, I didn't really want to at first, but I'm really glad I did. Because everything I heard today slashed away some of my unfounded insecurities and fear, so much so, that I felt silly for letting a little bad experience scare me away so badly. 

So, here I am reconsidering my career choice. Here I am, putting myself at the crossroads once more. This time I'll ask, this time I'll press harder, this time I'll be thick-faced and face it all headfirst. 

Dear God, if it's not too late, grant me the strength to see this through.

Dear Actuarial, if it's not too late, let's make up, I still want to be friends with you. 

The path ahead will be hard, there will be lots of sacrifices to make, but that was true of all the paths before me and look how far its brought me.

"Do not fear the new, embrace it with an open heart and meld it in with what you are without losing yourself."

* Umeboshi is Japanese pickled plum . This is a reference to Natsuki Takaya's manga/anime Fruits Basket where Honda Tohru describes everyone as onigiris (rice-balls) envying everyone else because they are unable to see their own unique umeboshi because they're stuck on their backs.

* Quotes are from time capsules by my 15 and 17-year old selves as well as a quote from Rakudai Kishi No Cavalry.

10 Things Uni Taught Me.

With the end of exams comes the winter break. One semester to go before I'll be done with this degree I started two years ago. Boy does time fly.

Soon, it'll be that time in life again, where I face crossroads and decisions. I know I've always dreaded decisions; not knowing where each road could lead to is a really scary thing. Am I making the right choices, have I done enough, will I be alright?

But if there's anything these past two years here has taught me, it's that I can stand perfectly on my own two feet. I came here like a scared little fledgling roaming away from her nest for the very first time, with fears that piled up mountain high. I was forced outside my comfort zone and tried to desperately grab a hold of an anchor to mold a new comfort zone because uncertainties and the unknown scared me to no bounds.

But hey, it's been two years. To others, I might have been 'wasting my time' here because I haven't gone out as much and experienced Melbourne. But I've been taking baby steps, small but steady ones outside my 'little world'.

1. I can go around the city on my own now, without needing someone to come with me. I have tried exploring the different routes I can take to uni and now have a few 'shortcuts' of my own. Public transport is no longer something unsafe, it is convenient and reliable. 
2. I discovered the joys of cooking, of making so many different things from the same few ingredients, letting my creativity flow coupled with random cravings every now and then. Honestly, I'm not quite sure how my cooking improved, given that all I've been doing is experimenting based on whimsical ideas that pop into my head when I see a certain ingredient on sale while grocery shopping. 
3. My tolerance for pressure has leveled up. Overloading as well as doing my part in the UMSU Intl has completely rebuilt my tolerance levels. Having to meet so many demands from so many areas of uni life as well as fulfilling my personal expectations often left me with a heavy burden on my shoulder, but just like someone who trains their muscle strength by lifting weights, I guess I've somehow worked myself around it all. Granted, it doesn't always work, I do have times when I panic and break down, but I feel like going through uni has enabled me to take much, much more crap from my surroundings.
4. Chipped away a little perfectionism. I am more than aware that I have always been somewhat of a perfectionist, but uni has taught me that you can't have it all, because 12 weeks is actually very little time. So it's okay not to put in 110% into everything, rather, judgement of how much effort to put into something is extremely crucial especially when you're maintaining a fragile balance between 5 subjects, student union activities and your personal and social life. It actually feels quite liberating to know that you can hold back and take a break, rather than push onward constantly like a deranged bull.
5. If you have time to panic, you have time to plan. Whenever I feel super panicky or unsure about what's going on, I sit down with a piece of paper and start planning out all the things that need to be done/ problems that need to be solved and then order them according to priority. Even if I don't do things according to plan in the end (which usually happens thanks to procrastination/over-indulgence of anime, manga and k-drama/no mood/ being lazy), I'll just re delegate my tasks over the time I have left because that's about all I can do. Also, when all else fails, wash away all that uneasiness with a nice, warm shower and a good nap (or play the guitar).
6. Trust. Honestly, there's so much to say about this given how my naivety of trusting people so much usually ends up throwing me in a state of turmoil. But I've decided that while my heart may be closed off, I'll keep my mind open and let the things that hurt me go because life is way too short to let insignificant, transient things bother me. Regardless of how many people out there may try to bother me, as long as I remember those who stay true to me and love me, that's more than enough.
7. There is no shame in taking the easy way out. This might prove to be the most important lesson I've learnt in uni, maybe. While we should work hard to achieve our goals, there is nothing wrong with taking paths that require the least effort to get there. We live our whole lives trying to be the best, but more often than not, we miss the real point of things. Being the 'best' doesn't equal to forcing yourself to do something more difficult just because your ego thinks you should be able to handle it; more often it's having the judgement of how to achieve your goals in the simplest way that is crucial. I mean, come on, why else do you think mathematicians invented all those formulae to make calculating things easier than having to go through the same, long, boring basic algorithms all the time. Pssh.
8. Believe in yourself; everything will be alright. Because a little self confidence goes a long way in keeping your mind calm and open to ideas that will pave the way to an adequate solution to whatever problems you're facing. There is ALWAYS a solution, though some may come at a higher price than others.
9. Live in the moment and look forward to the future. Looking to the past is fine as long as you remember where you are right now. This moment will only come once, so make the most of it. Even if things are down and depressing, there will be a silver lining on that cloud. So even if times are tough, put on a smile and start looking for that little ray of sun, because things could always have been worse. As long as your heart beats, things are still going great and will get better.
10. What happiness really is. This is probably the linchpin of what decisions I'll make from here on. True happiness comes in different forms for everyone, be it a simple well-cooked meal, a good anime episode or manga chapter or a lazy Sunday afternoon with loved ones.

I actually started writing this post days before my final exam and left it as a draft till today. Perhaps I wanted to leave something as a reminder to my future self, or perhaps I wanted to pen down something concrete to ascertain that I have changed in some ways. 

Today, I met some friends from college; while some of them already know what they'll be doing years from now, some are still as unsure as I am. So I'll trust my heart and take a leap of faith. From here on out, whatever happens, I'll just keep trying my best. 

Halfway there.

So it's been forever since I've last posted anything so I figured I'd drop a post since it is the Easter holidays and I haven't written anything much in English, save for text messages and UMSU Intl's fortnightly newsletter. Time to keep up with my New Year's Resolutions to write more.

This semester started as a really crazy one right off the bat. Summer was really relaxed with only two days of classes (since I skipped all my Intermediate Microeconomics lectures) so going back to the 18 hours per week required a huge gear shift. It didn't really help that I only came back on a Tuesday and missed four lectures on Day 1, nor that I nearly had a heart attack when my luggage went into the oversized baggage department for the first time. I guess I shouldn't really diss my stamina as I managed to get my groceries, go for class, unpack and clean my whole unit the day I landed in Melbourne. That was probably my most productive day ever.

Fast forward into the semester, the tides turned violent and the pressure on my shoulders got heavier. Everything was a lot harder than before, all my subjects have stepped up at least a notch or two. And I learned some important life lessons that I had forgotten. What friendship was and wasn't, who to trust and who to be wary of. I guess being surrounded by really nice people in college really made me let my guard down; I had forgotten to be skeptical and had grown to be really naive. The wake up call was harsh, but at the same time, it was one I was glad for.

The value of foresight also became really apparent to me. Being able to plan ahead for some things really does help reduce the burden. Being able to decide what I was capable of, how much I could really handle was also really important; so many times we overestimate our abilities, thinking we should be able to do more and criticizing ourselves for not being able to achieve those expectations. I guess I'm really lucky because I have people who are there to remind me that it's okay to not be able to do everything. It's okay to be wrong. It's okay to be weak and rely on someone else. It's okay to take a break and fall back. It's okay to go back on certain decisions. It's okay, as long as you remember what's important, why you're where you are and what you really want to achieve.

When things are really bad, it's okay to cry. Cry your heart out as much as you want, but never cry again for the same things. Let it go. You decide what bothers you, so don't let them in your head because they aren't worth it. There are always better things in life more worth your time.

The past two weeks have been dreadful for me, to be honest. Never-ending assignments, deadlines, work, work and more work. It has been a really long time since I last lost my voice or had a fever that dragged out for days or had my patience tested to it's limits. But all's well that ends well. :) Easter break is here and I'm in the best place on Earth recuperating, reflecting on the first half of the semester. 

I'm writing this so that the next time the world decides to crumble on me again, I'll know that I've been there, done that and can do it again. And to remind myself that they weren't all only bad times; where there are shadows, there's also light after all. And the finale to week 7 where I pack my bags to come home was just the very best.

So quickly have 7 weeks gone by, I'm already halfway there. Halfway there, all beat up but standing strong. Halfway there; bring it on.

2013 in hindsight.

Here we are again, at the end of another year that left as quickly as it came. 2013 was definitely one of those fast-slow years for me, quick in its passing but with bundles of memories that will be slow to fade. 

As part of reviewing what 2013 meant for me, we'll start off with the list I made earlier this year.

1. Enjoy Life in Melbourne

I think when you stop consciously counting down the days to when you get home every day, it's a sign that something has changed. On the one hand, my second semester this year was very packed, but on the other hand, time only flies when you're having fun. And I have my friends and MUOSS family to thank for that. I've also realized that liking Melbourne has nothing to do with not loving your home as much. (Yes, I've been naive and childish in thinking that it was one or the other.) Granted, I'd still always want to be home above anywhere else, but that doesn't mean Melbourne isn't growing on me. Wherever I go from here, there'll always be a piece of home and Melbourne with me now. (partially thanks to the wonders of technology and internet heh.)

Also, no more 5km radius from my unit! (check point 3.)

2. Maintain first class honours in my course and not go green with jealousy at people with day-offs.

Okay. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this point. How can I not go green with jealousy especially when my semester's timetable looks like a rainbow checkers board while some people up to two days off. HMPH. =I

But save for that tiny hitch in Sem 1, all's well that ends well.

Like OMG I cannot believe I lived through OB. 

3. Try something new

i. Highlighted my hair. :D

ii.Tried footie through MUOSS Buddy Program. Keyword being 'tried', I don't think I'll be playing it anytime soon given how consistently I missed (as in not making contact with) the ball.

iii. Japanese Speech Contest. :) A wonderful experience that came with a lovely surprise of placing second :3

iv. Overloading with OB as one of the five subjects is a stupid idea. 

v. Sydney.

v. Guitar (the one on the right is mine). Day 17.

Hmm could have sworn I had more, but oh well.

4. Read a bit more

Yeah, well. I had OB this sem, check for peer-reviewed journals. >< 

And those SAO novels and Mortal Instruments series were really interesting. And I did read a few random articles every now and then when they popped up on my Facebook feed. That's a start, right? :D

5. Exercise

Buddy program, Laser Tag, one basketball game and just about all the staircases in Sydney. Oh and I still walk to uni and back?

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Fine, I'll try harder next year.

6. Write again

Will have to work on this one. :( Aside from the fortnightly Accent and a few blog posts; barely had much time to write anything else. :/

7. Learn at least three more songs on the piano this year.

Two on the piano (Butterfly by Wada Kouji and Let It Go from Frozen), two on the guitar (Kaze Ni Naru from Cat Returns and Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade). At least I'll be able to bring the guitar back to Melb with me :)

8. Kanji

If OB was the worst subject to overload with, Japanese 2 was probably the best subject I ever took. Stress-free, fun and something I truly loved. Japanese 3, here I come! :)

9. Be myself.

Always.

In addition to that, I turned 21 this year. :) Although we seemingly didn't do anything special, I had a simple 21st spent with the people who are most precious to me; my family. Dinner, birthday cake from Baskin Robbins, my travel guitar and a whole lot of love. All of which makes me a very lucky, very happy 21 year-old.

All in all, 2013 was a wonderful, wholesome year. There were ups and downs and falls and frowns throughout the way, but all the knots came loose in the most beautiful way. Looking back, uni didn't come easy; having to juggle between work and play, but it was definitely worth it. 

So thank you, 2013. Thank you.

And Happy New Year, everyone. :)

I choose.

Recently, it's been so hectic around here, I haven't had time to myself at all. It's always, 

" Oh, assignment's due on Monday" 

"Right, now that I've done this... time to prepare for that test."

"Oh snap, two tests in a day, have to make sure I'm in time for this."

"Aww newsletter's due tomorrow."

I suppose that's what you get when you sign up for 5 subjects in a semester plus being an office bearer in your student union. And then there will come times like this, when everything's all messy and tangled up and you have no idea where to start untangling the ropes. Your vision's fuzzy, your headlights dimmed, your engine's run-down and you're just downright exhausted. And then you get frustrated. At all the things you're expected of, at all the things you have to do, at the people around you and the place, weather, just everything.

But you know, deep down inside of you somewhere, the one you're most frustrated at, is yourself. Why am I so powerless? Why can't I do this? Why couldn't I do better? Inspirational stories of how people who are now successful have once failed seemed like a tape on repeat, you don't think it could apply to you at all. You're not inspired, you're just more angry at yourself now.

You whine, you cry (or at least try to), you try to sleep it off until you feel... numb. I tried my best, what else is there to do?

But was it really your best?

Too many times have I failed because I did not believe in myself. Too many times I have chosen to simply brush past my instincts, although time and time again, they've proven themselves to be the right answer. It took one Japanese tutorial to make me realize how important self-confidence really is. Yes, my Japanese isn't perfect, in fact, it's pretty flawed, but if I didn't believe in myself enough to follow my instincts and use the words I thought I should be using, then all of those words would've remained unspoken forever. Five years ago, had I not taken that leap of faith to start conversing in full Japanese during my exchange, I would be still the timid old me, muttering the one two words I was 100% confident of and learning nothing more. I was wrong loads of times, so much so that I feel kind of embarrassed thinking back now. But it didn't matter, I loved the language and I got back up each time. 

Falling and failing is all part of the process of growing. It's been a while since I last scraped a knee so I completely forgot how to treat one and it became pretty serious until I went to the pharmacy for help. I suppose it's the same with life. It's been a while since I've fallen down, so it takes a bit of time to figure out how to stand up again, it may not be the same as what I used to be able to do but it doesn't matter. If I wanted a simple, carefree life, I wouldn't have put myself on this track. I chose to be here. I chose the road not taken. I chose the rocky path. And now, in face of all this pressure, I choose to put my foot forward. 

I choose to believe.

Jack of Diamonds.

Sometimes you put your all into something and it just doesn't seem to connect for you. It's like walking on a travellator moving in the opposite direction, you walk and walk as fast as you can but it's just not fast enough. Sure you're not moving backwards, and you're pretty ahead of some people, but at least they're moving in some direction while you're just there, stationary at that same point on that travellator. You're exhausted, you're frustrated, you want a break. But the minute you stop to take a rest, you know you'll fall back and honestly, that's not something you can afford right now. So you hang in there and then you start questioning yourself. Why are you even on that travellator to start? But try as you might, you find no answer.

A jack of all traits is a master of none.
In the realm of playing cards, I'd prolly be the Jack of Diamonds, easily inferior to the rest of the Jacks; too large to join the numbers but too small to be part of the Royals.

But they say diamonds are precious. Let's hope they're right, because I sure don't feel that way right now. Someone please oh please show me how to refine this diamond in the rough, if that's truly what it is. Please.