Thoughts.

So it's back to square one, but a fresher start than the last.

I've been kept seriously busy by all the things happening around me

these past few supposed-to-be-idyllic months.

So much to do, so much to think about.

When somebody asks me what I'm doing next,

I give them the standard answer.

"Waiting for UK intake in September,

applying for scholarships,

hoping for the best."

No one ever realizes the possible contradiction in the answer.

What exactly is the best that can happen?

Going to UK?

Well sure, I've gotten my unconditional offers

to all the universities I've applied for

and the scholarship application process is so far so good.

It helps that my A-Level results were exactly what I hoped for.

But is getting a scholarship and going overseas

'the best'?

I don't know.

The problem is, I don't know what I want.

I sort of want to do Actuarial Science,

I like the whole idea of doing something so deeply

entwined with calculations, but if asked to do engineering,

I don't think I can put up much arguments for a 'no'.

Although post-SPM me has discovered that

medicine and pharmacy were no longer in my list of okay,

my options are still pretty open.

I'm hesitant. I'm hesitant because,

when I leave for UK (and if I do),

yeah, there'll be a bundle of new opportunities

and discoveries and experiences.

But there'll be things I'll miss out on here, back at home.

I will miss weekends in Kuantan,

spending quality time squabbling with siblings,

watching movies with the rest and cooking with Grandma.

I will miss the scent of my room,

the little room I have lived in for the past how many years.

I will miss Fluffy. I will miss fried egg with onions.

I will miss rice. I will miss the simple fried maggi Mum 

whips up in the middle of the night to fill our empty stomachs.

I will miss waking up from nightmares and then jumping in between

Mum and Dad in their bed and feeling safe and  protected then.

I will miss Pinky, Li and Hui. I will miss Malaysian weather.

I will miss the routines I have been so used to

living for the past 20 years of my life.

I am secretly afraid. Secretly afraid that things will

somehow change. Change and disappear from my life.