Thoughts.

So it's back to square one, but a fresher start than the last.

I've been kept seriously busy by all the things happening around me

these past few supposed-to-be-idyllic months.

So much to do, so much to think about.

When somebody asks me what I'm doing next,

I give them the standard answer.

"Waiting for UK intake in September,

applying for scholarships,

hoping for the best."

No one ever realizes the possible contradiction in the answer.

What exactly is the best that can happen?

Going to UK?

Well sure, I've gotten my unconditional offers

to all the universities I've applied for

and the scholarship application process is so far so good.

It helps that my A-Level results were exactly what I hoped for.

But is getting a scholarship and going overseas

'the best'?

I don't know.

The problem is, I don't know what I want.

I sort of want to do Actuarial Science,

I like the whole idea of doing something so deeply

entwined with calculations, but if asked to do engineering,

I don't think I can put up much arguments for a 'no'.

Although post-SPM me has discovered that

medicine and pharmacy were no longer in my list of okay,

my options are still pretty open.

I'm hesitant. I'm hesitant because,

when I leave for UK (and if I do),

yeah, there'll be a bundle of new opportunities

and discoveries and experiences.

But there'll be things I'll miss out on here, back at home.

I will miss weekends in Kuantan,

spending quality time squabbling with siblings,

watching movies with the rest and cooking with Grandma.

I will miss the scent of my room,

the little room I have lived in for the past how many years.

I will miss Fluffy. I will miss fried egg with onions.

I will miss rice. I will miss the simple fried maggi Mum 

whips up in the middle of the night to fill our empty stomachs.

I will miss waking up from nightmares and then jumping in between

Mum and Dad in their bed and feeling safe and  protected then.

I will miss Pinky, Li and Hui. I will miss Malaysian weather.

I will miss the routines I have been so used to

living for the past 20 years of my life.

I am secretly afraid. Secretly afraid that things will

somehow change. Change and disappear from my life.

.:: Tell Your World ::.

There comes a time when you notice

that you know nothing of this world.

I wonder how its actually possible to be able

to have grown up the way I did,

being so oblivious to the world around me.

I wonder.

How many things happened while I was

ignoring those papers?

How many calamities stroke?

How many lives did those take?

How are people really like out there?

Really, it only hit me recently

how much I've been missing out on what's

happening to the world while I've been living

a sheltered life on my own.

A tsunami occurring in another country

used to be just sad news to me,

but now it is suddenly of great concern.

Because I have people I know and cherish 

in those countries and I worry for their safety.

Some financial crisis years ago

was of little importance to me,

but since taking Economics, its weightage

has been more substantial and noticeable.

The organisations around me,

used to be just labels I spelt for fun as

I walked/ drove past them,

but now not only do I find myself not only acknowledging

their presence, I'm actually applying for scholarships from

them if I ever want to have a shot at studying overseas.

Suddenly the world seems to have grown.

No. I think I have grown.

The child shell that held me in can no

longer accommodate me.

And so, here's me, taking my first step in the world.

I want to learn now.

So Dear God, teach me. help me. let me learn.

Tell me about your world,

the world that I've been missing out on.


"The things you want to tell us,
The sounds you want to reach us,
Those many points become a line
And echo far into the distance.
The words you want to tell us,
The sounds you want to reach us,
Those countless lines become a loop,
Connecting everything, no matter where you are"
-Tell Your World, Hatsune Miku

.:: Yubikiri ::.

Funny how when I wanted to start this post,

everything felt like it was going downhill

and now, I feel kinda calm.

I don't know if it's because

I'm listening to Younha's song Yubikiri

that I found by mistake or basically just because

I am SICK of how I'm always succumbing to thoughts

like 'i wish' and 'if only I had'.

Nothing's going to change by thinking that way right?

Eventhough I know all too well,

my mind just wanders on that path way too often.

But now I'm through with it.

I'll make up for what's lost.

I'll make up for what I never had, 

slowly but surely.

I'll make these weaknesses my strength.

.:: Dreams. Is this what you were trying to tell me, heart? ::.

Mood: Hungrry. :/

Lately I wake up from dreams not too far off from reality.

I find myself having to think before I could classify what really happened

and what only happened in the imaginary.

But its difficult seeing how real it feels.

Most times it's not so bad.

I've always somewhat believed Snow White's
"a dream is a wish the heart makes."

But I have to give it to my heart,

it never knows when it should stop wishing.

It always loves to bring up pieces of my past

and somehow harmonize it with the present

in a seemingly, real-life situation.

Of course, there's that 'pinch me' trick.

If you feel pain, then it's real right?

Wrong.

I feel pain even in dreams.

I feel every single emotion that you're supposed to 

feel outside the dream world.

Sadness, hunger, pain.

Happiness, joy, laughter.

Each word uttered is clearly heard.

Each song sung resonates in my head.

Each image seen photographed clearly.

Each emotion felt etched carefully on my heart.

Some emotions I should've long thrown away.

Like regret.

Regret.

Only leads you to a senseless void of despair,

muttering 'if only' and 'i should have'.

Well, hello heart, brain thinks you know clearly by now

we don't have a time machine and 

will never use one even if there was.

Some things cannot be changed.

But dreams insist otherwise,

so nicely melding fond memories of a person

to someone of the same name you no longer talk to.

So I decided, I'm going to put in a little faith

in those dreams.

And this time, if we still can't make up,

then I'll let go of this friendship.

No matter how treasured it was in the past.

Thank you for being with me until a little while back.

And sorry for anything that I might have done wrong.

Let's hope this distance between us can be closed. :)

**Update:
Dear Heart, you were halfway right,
I can't change the past, but the future's a different story.
Thank you for being so persistent. :)
I don't need a time machine to get things back the way they were.

.::I can't lose to myself from yesterday ::.

Okays. 
Had a sudden craving for Saiyuki sometime last week

and since I can only find english dubs for it,
I decided to watch the more available Saiyuki Reload.

And from today's episode we have:

Demon: Muahahaha. I've obtained all the data on you
and created these clones. They match you in speed, 
attack patterns and strength. 
After numerous experiments, I finally finished them yesterday. 
And today'll be the day you die. *evil laugh*

Sanzo: Yesterday?
Gojyo: Ah. So this'll be a walk in the park.


*thrashes clones*

Demon: Impossible!! Why?


Sanzo: I don't know what your data says...
Goku: ... but that's just...
Sanzo: ...me from yesterday. 
I can't be losing to myself from yesterday. :D

*after a while*

Goku: It might be a bit too late now... 
but couldn't we have just gotten those 
clones to go to the west for us? o__o
Everyone: Ah. I didn't think of that.
Merciful Goddess (in heaven): Geez, these bunch of jokers... -___-|||


Gotta love Saiyuki Reload =3

Now that I think about it, the last digit of 2011 signified many '1st-s' to come.

So it's that time of the year again,

when a new one comes after one ends.

(though it's a bit late)

T h a n k  y o u  2 0 1 1 .

For all the firsts.

For all the love and joy.

For all the memories.

For the nostalgic tears I will cry when I look back at all

the pictures, videos and lame jokes we made.

 Tears that I am thankful for.
Momiji's happy-go-lucky-ness definitely rubbed
off on me this year. =)


[WARNING:
Loads of sentences will start with

'my first time', 'first experience' and many other 'firsts.']

The year started off a notch busier than the semester before.

 First class photo during Pav's birthday.

Of course, Jee An and Aryl felt the need to spoil it for me.

I remember how there was way too much cake that day. :D

When I think of Orange now, I think of all that corruption

on the Fridays we used to stay back and have lunch.

How we first lost face in TGIF Pyramid.

Truth-or-dare. Never pick either one.

(ESPECIALLY when Pav is asking the questions)

First kiss on the cheek by Harmeet -- Dare.
What happens at the table, stays in the table.

A little further down the month,

came CNY! :)

Pictures of our first time stepping into a decorated Chinatown,

despite going back there almost every year.

And then Mum let me host my first BBQ at the apartment.

The swimming - Alvin pushing Hafizul into the pool,
 The longest UNO stacko game ever -- Mr &Ms Malaysia,

Chess - how Pav and Clandia teamed up against me 

and Sien when they both didn't know how to play :P

The drive to and fro the apartment

- how the guys wanted me to go against the speed limit 

and kindly offered to pay for any summons I got in return. 

Of course I never did.

Moral studies presentation :)

First picture in Econs class. :D

My first time attending the No Apologies workshop.

And I still keep the pledge card. :)

First time in Italliannies. 
(I think that's what it's called)

My first time hiding under the tables in the lecture hall
waiting for Ms Amy :P

And then of course, came my first major
exam that year. AS. o__o

Of course, even then we still found ways to have fun.
Paper clip accessories! And Monopoly Deal. =D

And then some time to breathe post-AS.
First movie with lecturers. RIO. :D

First prom-like event. AAA Night.
Of dresses and suits, dances and hurt feet
washed away by the awesomeness of being together.  :)


And after that, everything felt like it was on fast-forward.
Third semester was unbelievably busy.
And halfway through came our first results.


It was one of those awkward moments when
everyone believes in you when you can't believe in yourself.
And thankfully, they were right.
A week before results came out was Li's birthday.
So they made a double celebration,
even before I got my results.
It was nice of them, but scary.
Then again, it was comforting when Mum said,
"It's alright cause we all know you did your best."


Even so, logging in was such a pain.
The fear, the nervousness.
If taking the exam was nerve-wrecking,
then judgement day was brain incapacitating.

In the end, it was my sister in Kuantan who managed to log in.
And I jumped up and down seeing the results.
So that week when I got back to Kuantan,
we had another big dinner in Balok.
Another double celebration.
Confirmation of my results and Pink's graduation.
It was all probably just an excuse 
to spend some good family time out,
but I'm glad the excuse could be used.

For the first time in a while, a picture of us siblings
with both Grandma and Grandpa.
Them who are super reluctant to have their picture taken.
There you go. A picture worth more than a thousand words and gold.


Oh yeah. Somewhere in the year,
I put on braces.
The first time I was exposed to such pain.
Patience and pain tolerance thresholds were tested.
When I talk about braces now,
the mood tends to darken,
(I NO LIKE dentists.)
so moving on.


Before I knew it, it was two weeks before trials.
In the face of examinations, there are always temptations.
Such as. The trip to Langkawi.
It took an entire week of convincing
& pretty effective reverse-psychology from Mum
and a little push from my friends that made me
jump onto that crazy pre-booked trip to Langkawi.
I'm super thankful for everyone who thought
I deserved this break, because it really did me some good.

My first picture with a snake.

My first time bathing in a lake.
A lake where Jian Hui drowned 
his new Sony Ericsson and wallet.

Tasik Dayang Bunting.

My first time snorkelling.

First experience on a two-wheeled terrain ride.

My first time being close to SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. Ugh.


And then, it was back to college.

First A-Levels Bad Hair Day.

Even Ms Yap joined in! :D

First experience as an Eskimo.


And then came trials.
And then came A2.
And there went my first times pulling all-nighters.
It was like SPM all over again, only worst.
And then came our freedom, separation (temporary)
before...

My birthday :)

And then there was the trip to Penang.
And for Christmas, we went to USS again :)

With the super cool cast of Waterworld.
I feel like I have a tendency to be bullied anywhere.
Even by an unknown actor I just met.
My hair got wet after this picture -___-|||
The trip included my first time on the Cylon
and Transformers ride. :D
Awesomeness.


And the end of the year was spent 
at home with family. :)

All in all, I'd say it was a great year.
One I would definitely miss.
And even if this year should bring us onto
different paths, I'll welcome them all,
because it was the same when you people came into my lives.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for making me who I am today. :)
Hello 2012! :)
It's finally Hatori's year.
Let's make it a great one. ^^