.:: Grandma dearest, you inspire me :) ::.

Mood: Feel like it's impossible to ever get back into

shape. Not after I've melted so much. 

The culprit, as always, is Usui Takumi! <3

It's difficult to stay solid facing him =/

Misa-chan's so sturdy =3

I seem to be accident prone lately.

Tripped over a chair yesterday

just because my toe caught onto one of the legs.

Bruised my knees and cut my pinky toe

and now the joint on my left knee hurts when 

I absent-mindedly support myself on it,

or walk too fast.

Had stomach ache the whole morning 

-- but I wasn't alone,

probably food poisoning again.

Hurt my other leg while sparring kicks with Li.

(Don't ask. We power rangers have ways of doing things.)

And well, the usual braces cutting my cheeks.

Oh well. Still alive and kicking,

so that's all that counts. :)

Before I took a nap this evening,

Grandma was outside (viewable from my window)

cleaning up the ancient-looking stuff that had

been farming dust bunnies in Grandpa's storeroom

for countless years now.

She wiped them clean one by one, using a rag cloth

and a small bucket of water.

Most of the stuff there were like old stationery

(from the times when Grandpa still sold those),

really old toys, playing cards and etc,

probably not of much use anymore.

But she was wiping them clean,

one by one, making sure each little tiny corner

of the object was dust-free before putting them into

a separate basket.

Since she's always particular about the cleanliness of

her belongings, I didn't really pay much attention to it

and went to bed after announcing to everyone

that I was going to sleep.

(I'm really super mean if woken up wrongly.)

When I woke up (about two-three hours later)

Grandma was still there, still wiping the items.

I didn't give it much thought,

got out from bed and starting flipping through my 

Econs textbook, till I found the Kaname Zero bookmark

on the page where I last read.

I lasted a little more than one page

before the heat got to me.

And I was about to switch on the air-cond,

when I realized, Grandma was still out there.

Out there, where it was obviously way warmer

than my room with a fan on.

Out there, still cleaning tiny little items

that probably aren't worth much.

It was her dedication that hit me.

If we switched places, I probably wouldn't have lasted

that long out there.

At that time, all I could think of was how

Grandma would've been so much more suited

to studying A-levels compared to me.

But she never could.

Because she was never given the chance to study

back when she was my age.

So she does all she can to make sure that I can.

There is no one else who spoils me more than her,

making sure I have everything I could possibly need.

It's always her that brings me little treats of fruits

or cups of tea or tidbits when I lock myself in my room

in an attempt to study.

It's always her who comforts me when I'm feeling down

and have no one else to tell.

And she doesn't even need to ask.

To me, Grandma is like some being of magic.

She's like the Fairy Godmother, she helps sew & alter our

clothes when she sees that it doesn't perfectly fit us,

despite how difficult it must have been,

with her ageing eyesight and the manual sewing machine.

She's like the Kitchen Fairy,

always able to conjure out the most 

delicious albeit simplest of dishes

that I'd always eat even if my appetite had previously been lost.

She's like the enchanting storyteller who lasted 1001 nights,

with all the stories she tells us,

even if I've heard them tons of times already.

She's a gazillion of other things,

all so wonderful and admirable.

And right now, she's my source of inspiration.

Who I will not let down at any cost.

Simply because,

I love you, Grandma dearest <3

Thank you for being here with me. :)

.:: Little things I've come to notice. ::.

I somehow find that when I'm cramming for

exams is the time that I'm learning the most.

The week has been a rather fast one,

it feels just like yesterday that I was

contemplating on whether or not I should go to Langkawi,

and then coming back and having a little more than a week

left for my mock exams.

I remember all the mixed feelings and indecisiveness

piled up inside of me, knowing each tiny thing I do

definitely comes with its consequence.

I still feel worried sick sometimes when

I think about all that I have to cover before my coming

mocks and how the ruthless clock only continues ticking forwards.

I remember being confused and a tiny bit hurt by

actions of certain people, being moved by past fears,

but I've decided not to be moved, even by a slightest inch, anymore.

Because all that I've come to notice is that,

if you flip those worries inside out,

then all the answers are there, waiting for you to notice them.

If every tiny thing I do comes with a consequence,

it also means that every bit that I study, no matter how small

shall have its effect when I have to answer those

questions on that important sheet of paper later on.

Of course, every little bit that I work on will have its tiny benefits.

The fact that the clock will only continue forwards means

that I should just leave the worrying to yesterday,

because it's already a different day, so I should be looking at

what I can achieve and do today instead of trying to

stop time's everlasting flow.

If people want to say things they don't mean,

then their words will just lose meaning to me

and together with those words, they too will lose meaning to me.

Those foolish fears of the past should be just benchmarks 

of how much courage is needed for me to

once again put my trust into someone,

instead of being chains that stop me from trusting.

And it helps to think that, at some point in time,

some things that I've said or done
might have hurt some one without my realizing it.
So it's probably the same, except that I was on the receiving end.


I remember this line from Breaking Dawn
(yes, excuse me from quoting from sappy vamp stories)
that if you were to turn the tapestry of that happy moment
described there, it'd be woven with grey lines of worries.
So, if I were to turn over my tapestry of worries,
there should be a colourful rainbow woven behind it, no?


So sometimes, when we're enveloped by all these
worries and despairs, maybe we're just looking
at the wrong side of the tapestry.
Those grey line will always be there,
but will you choose to look for the bright side
and know that even with those grey lines,
a beautiful pattern is on the other side, 
or to forever stare at those grey lines and be shaken?
Because I think I know what I'll choose to do. :)

(Yes I had to look for a FMA tapestry.
That's a human transmutation circle btw O.o)

.:: Only Human ::.

Caution: Plenty of rambling ahead,

followed by Kei's Only Human,

the song that kept playing while I was writing this

blogpost so it deserves to have some spotlight.

I guess once in a while, I too, 

need to let out some steam.

I wonder why is it that

people tend to forget I'm pretty much human too.

I make mistakes too.

I have times when I'm super blur as well.

I have places I have to fall down before I can stand up

and become stronger.

But

I'm not allowed to fall.

I'm not allowed to cry.

I'm not allowed to make mistakes.

Like there are chains binding me,

restraining me from movements 

I should be able to make.

I cannot fall because of the people 

I don't want to disappoint.

I cannot cry because these tears in my eyes 

will hurt more than just me.

But I cannot understand why

I must not make mistakes.

Because I can and I will, for I am human too.

And that's what all humans have to go through.

If its for the sake of living up to someone's expectations,

then that's something I cannot do.

For the minute I start worrying about what someone else's

thoughts, I won't be able to take care of myself.

So sorry if I let you down,

my hands are pretty full at the moment.

The only expectations I have to live up to

are my own -- and I've already decided to give it my all.

Because I am only human and that's the most I can do.

So stick with me through it,

otherwise, the door out's that way.

Only Human - Kei (English translation)

On the opposite coast of sadness
is something called a smile
But before we can go there,
is there something we’re waiting for?

In order to chase our dreams, we can’t have a reason to run away
We’ve got to go, to that far away summer’s day

If we find it tomorrow, we can’t sigh
Because like a boat that opposes the stream
we have to walk straight on

In a place worn down by sadness
something called a miracle, is waiting
Yet we are still searching
for the sunflower that grows at the end of spring

The warrior who awaits the morning light
before he can clasp it with red nails, his tears glitter and fall

Even if we’ve grown used to loneliness
only relying on the light of the moon
We have to fly away with featherless wing
just go foward, just a little further
As the rainclouds break
the wet streets sparkling
Although it brings only darkness
A powerful, powerful light
helps push us to walk on