.:: A roller coaster ride ::.

Mood: Utter frustration.

There are things that I cannot understand,

things I cannot do,

things I cannot accept.

Labels for example.

What makes a person smarter than the other?

Grades? IQ scores? Credits?

People are different, yet we're essentially the same.

Who is to say that one cannot succeed?

Who is to say that one definitely will?

No one was born with a label

'smarter than the other' on their heads.

And therefore, no one is born with a label

'doomed to fail' on their heads.

And then there's fate.

Who is to say that it exists?

Who is to say that it doesn't?

No one knows the future,

and if one were to draw it out,

it'd be like drawing a multi-layered plan

with infinite routes, 

each having equal possibilities of happening.

Oh but according to laws of probabilities,

surely one is more likely to happen than the other?

I don't think so.

I believe in fate.

But the fate I believe in is carved by our own

hands and is never set in stone.

Because we choose what route we take

and we're not robots who act on probability.

We act on emotions, instincts and 'leaps of faith'

If there was only a 0.00001% chance of being

able to save a loved one, would we do it?

If there was an equally small chance of being saved

and surviving together, would we want to be saved?

It kinda depends on the person, doesn't it?

But if it was an animal,

it'd be an immediate yes.

Because animals don't calculate.

Because animals don't judge.

Because they would only have one goal

and they instinctively act towards that one aim,

putting their all into it.

So why are we different?
We complicate things.

We set so many goals  for ourselves,

hold onto so many expectations

that we unconsciously suffocate in them.

We put ourselves in a bind because we don't

know which direction to take,

because we fear what lies ahead,

because our so-called intelligence allows us to anticipate.

Our memory allows us to remember and regret past actions

which forms chains that stop us from moving forward.

No one would be immediately eager to leap into a

swimming pool after almost getting drowned.

Nor would they barbecue anything after almost dying in a fire.

But even so, we can carry on.

If we have enough determination to do so , we can change.

Oh and then there's another thing I cannot understand.

Fear of things we've never experienced before.

I don't understand the basis of this fear,

but I feel it anyway.

The words 'What if' weigh way 

too strongly in my mind

for my liking.

When I was in Universal Studios Singapore,

me and my siblings were so excited to ride the Cylon.

It's one of the two roller coasters that meet each other

and it goes 360 degrees five times 

(in description, but I only felt 3)

and it's the swing-like type of coaster,

something I had yet to try at that moment.

It was a super long queue 

(no thanks to the other 22999 visitors in the theme park)

so we had plenty of time to anticipate it.

I cannot express the amount of fear 

I felt waiting to go on that ride.

There was a technical error before it was opened 

a few minutes after and it didn't help that Mum

was putting all kinds of thoughts in my head;

mainly worst-case scenarios of course.

Countless times I considered bailing,

which I found ridiculous because it

wasn't even that scary when I was actually on it.

So why do we do that to ourselves?

Create worst-case scenarios of 'what if-s'

and almost stop ourselves from something good.

Why do we fear something we don't even know?

Ironic how children fear nothing when they have so

much they don't know and then when they grow,

suddenly their unfounded fears start growing.

I want to say that I learnt something from

that roller coaster ride, but I'm not too confident about it.

I want to say that I've learnt that we shouldn't 

let fear stop us from doing anything.

I want to say that if I were to dismiss an option

it would be because I know for sure that 

my abilities won't be able to match up the occasion

and not because of 'what if-s', but then again

we never know till we try.

I want to say that from now on I'll take on the

future without fear, but I can only try.

What I can say is that

Life is like a roller-coaster ride.

We may all fear what happens on that ride,

but we lined up for it anyways.

No one forced us into doing it, but we still do.

And in a way, the fear of anticipation

will only add to the amount of relief and joy

once you've made your choice the right one.

Notice I didn't say when you make the right choice,

because from what I know, there is no such thing.

A quote from the back of my head 

whose origins I cannot recall:

"There is no right or wrong, only difference."

Now excuse me, 

I have a roller coaster to ride

and enjoy while it lasts. :)

Final Mood:
Frustration gone. 

I love how blogging transforms

all negative emotions into a lesson.

So I guess that's the moral of today's story 

(though it doesn't sound much like one hee.)

.:: ::.

So what do you do the people you thought would make you

laugh were the ones that made you cry?

You cry as much as you want,

praying it would rain,

sing a sad song and

then remind yourself to never take off that mask again.

I didn't apologize

because I knew that it'd be pointless.

You'll never change who I am in your eyes.

And I'll never stop being the person

reflected in your eyes.

Because it's already a perception set in stone.

We're blind to each other's thoughts

and we'll never see eye-to-eye,

though sometimes it seems like we're close.

Everything that's done had only one intention

in your eyes so let it be.

If it seemed like the world had to revolve around me,

then I'm sorry.

But if anything, I'm glad for one thing.

That you've never stopped believing in me.

So much so that it makes me feel like you're just

pushing on that faith because you don't

want to admit to yourself that I'm not all that.

But I'm only human.

And I had to be me.

For all the things I've taken.

I'm sorry.

For all the things I've broken.

I'm sorry.

For never being able to really change,

for always forgetting myself and relapsing.

I'm sorry.

I may not know all my flaws and weaknesses,

but I had hoped you'd help me change.

But I don't blame you because you've all stuck with the selfish me

and had hoped that I'd notice and change myself.

For not noticing, for not changing.

I'm sorry.

God gave me two feet but it seems like I can never

stand right on my own.

I'm sorry for always relying on you,

for being a burden eventhough you have 

your own matters to worry about.

If it seemed like I've always been blaming you,

I'm sorry.

For not having the courage or 

the calmness to tell you this in person,

I'm sorry.

Ah, this post will probably make you angry too.

I'm sorry for that as well.

Those were never my intentions,

but you'll never believe me, so I'll apologize in advance.

I had a horrible day today.

But let's just say a lesson was learnt.

In a sea of familiarity, its unbelievably easy

to realize that when it comes down to things,

everyone is truly alone.

Sometimes I wish I'd never opened those doors.

I want to go back to those days when all

of these were hidden from me.

To those times where I didn't need to

pretend everything was alright,

when I didn't have to hide behind a mask.

When it wasn't this difficult to answer a simple question of

'Who am I?"

Because right now, I don't know anymore.

.:: On the other side of that well ::.

It's the SECOND day since my A2 exams ended

And I'm already feeling the pressing need 

to start my next chapter of life.

I expected a break. 

I expected some standstill time in-between,

unproductive passing days like those after SPM,

at least a week to fly past before I pick myself up

and start doing something.

Ironic that I didn't have much to hold on to post-SPM

but I sure stuck with it for way longer compared to what

I want to hold on to now.

I find myself hearing this little voice in my head 

nagging at me.

That little voice wasn't supposed to come out yet.

I'm not supposed to hear you yet.

Because when I do, it means I've got to make a decision again.

I find myself at the cross-roads, one I've been putting off

since I started A-Levels.

I ended Form 5 filled with confidence.

That confidence shrunk halfway through the next year.

I realized too late that there were things that I 'wanted'

and things that I didn't.

I realized for the first time, how heavy the weight of decisions are.

Especially when you're the only one to shoulder that burden.

I wasted scholarship opportunities because

I was applying for all the wrong things;

no wonder I rejected them with such ease.

Until now, I'm not sure if I took A-levels

just because I was postponing the need for me to

make a decision, or whether I had a slight idea

where this life of mine is heading.

Part of me probably expected that I'll come out

from this program with a firmer idea where I was going.

Do I really want to do Actuarial Science?

Was this path meant for me?

But nothing happened.

I'm still the same me,

the same person who still doesn't know

what I want to be, who I'm meant to be,

what I'm meant to do.

Until now, it didn't matter what I did A-Levels for

because it was fun. Honestly.

It didn't matter that my whole lifestyle was warped

like that of a vampire's, waking up at the wrong hours 

of the day to do homework.

It didn't matter that I probably lost a few good years

of my life, pushing my physical capabilities

staying up for last-minute cramming;

I never even knew I had it in me to pull all-nighters

or stay awake for 14+ hours.

It didn't matter because I found new pieces of myself,

experienced  new things, had so many first times

-- outings, birthday celebrations, karaoke,

prom-like graduation, hugs,...

But now it's time to move on.

I feel a calling, but very time I try to follow it,

it brings me to a crossroad and the call ends there.

Like its asking me to choose.

I've been watching InuYasha non-stop yesterday,

and I realized how hard it must've been for Kagome.

She had so many choices to make,

so much to do. But she kept her heart open,

believed in herself and jumped down that Bone-Eater's Well.

So I guess I'll do the same.

I don't know where I'm supposed to go and 

I don't really feel like thinking about it,

but sooner or later I have to find out

what's on the other side of that well.

Dear God, you've always been there for me.

Lend me the strength,

so that whatever I choose,

no matter how bad it its,

I'll be strong enough to make it the right one.

.:: When almost everything makes you feel nostalgic. ::.

When almost everything makes you feel nostalgic,

you know you've been blessed with

countless good times and memories.

Each shard of memory etched so carefully into

songs, tunes, pictures, the scent of the air,

the way someone talks,

the way things look,

the sound of the voices

and...

That smile on your face when it all comes back to you.

Memories are wonderful things, ne?

.:: I won't say hate, but I strongly dislike dentists ::.

Mood: 

Feels like a horse put on reins once more.

Spent a good 5 hours at the dentist's today.

And as of now it's sort of my least favourite place in the world.

Went to the dentist today after having my old set

of braces removed last week to put them back on.

Taking them off was like freedom

and putting them back on like being put into a cage again. :(

My bottom set of teeth surprisingly straightened themselves

out even without having me extract the two teeth I was supposed to,

much to everyone's surprise.

So much for, "We definitely have to extract or there won't

be enough space for them to straighten out."

My old dentist definitely lacked foresight,

as well as many other things

(which I think includes proper dentistry know-how

considering how bad my old set of braces were)

And I have every reason to bear a grudge against him

because apparently, if he didn't extract my top two teeth 

in the first place, I would be all done now;

no need for anymore extraction.

But he did. :/

And so, right after A2, I'm going to have two more teeth pulled out

and most probably another week of porridge diet.

Siggghhh.

And I think my teeth moved a bit too fast,

so the model made last week didn't exactly match mine.

It took ages for the brackets to be stuck on.

(He had to re-stick it on two teeth at least 5 times lols.)

The only thing that made the whole visit a bit better

was this old  lady and her son who chatted with me a bit.

She was telling me stories about her children and grandchildren.

And at the end of the day, they both wished me good luck. :D

The old lady reminded me so much of Grandma,

especially when she told me,

"You have to make sure you study really hard."

and when she was leaving,
"I'm very happy when I see you studying like this."

(Cause I brought my econs notes to read while waiting."

Made my day :)

And now I guess, I've got to go and get rid of this

depressed feeling of having to extract two more teeth

and down at least one chapter of Econs by tonight.

Sigggghhhh. I STRONGLY dislike dentists. :(

.:: It finally hit me. ::.

Mood: I guess this is a bittersweet feeling,

since it's not like I'll never see them again.

Dreamt about being in class,

going out for lunch in Medan

and just plaintively discussing math homework.

(Math was probably the subject since it was my favourite

and cause I was up doing P3 till 5am yesterday)

And then it hit me.

That those peaceful days were over.

I'll never get to go to class with them again,

never have another one of those treasured lessons

laughing endlessly at the many lame jokes and teasing.

I'll never get to spend free periods in the library

talking, laughing 

(and braiding the last time me, Pav and Clan were there)

while trying to complete homework.

I woke up today, feeling a little lonely

because I miss you guys.

And I'm probably lagging when it comes to

emotions at the moment, but it finally hit me

that my college days have ended.

Thank God we'll still be able to have lunches

and outings together after A2.

Now I want A2 to end more than ever.

But I'm also glad for A2 cause 

I'll be seeing you all in college.

I guess the whole point of today's post

is just to say;

I miss you all. Loads.

Can't wait to see you all this Friday,

even if it's because we're having exams. =)

Love you all.

.:: Of all the things to be missing now. ::.

Dear fear,
Your absence isn't really helping to convince me A2's so near,
Now's about the time for you to appear

So my brain can finally kick start its gear.
Really wish you were here.

I'm convinced my nervous mode

is officially in need of a replacement,
ever since after trials.
Oh well, having said that I'm still pretty sure
that the butterflies will come back
and pay a visit right before I enter that exam hall. XD

.:: Jelly =D ::.

Quick post to make up for the null updates.

Made my very first jelly dessert by myself today.

Inspired by Kitchen Princess

& Yumeiro Patissiere =D
So so much fun!! ^^

The thing is, I'm not really one for desserts,

I just like making them :P

One of the seven cups of jelly

from 1 1/2 well-spent hours.

Maybe after A2 I should try baking. =D

Been alternating between Physics,

Hanasakeru Seishonen and Huan Zhu Ge Ge 

the past two weeks.

I should probably get back to Econs now

before this blogpost becomes all about

Fang Li Ren. <3 =P

.:: When the world decides to spin the other way round ::.

Sometimes I think it's just me,

that without realizing it,

I've just opened the door to the real world

that I've put off opening till now.

I had been afraid of the things behind that door,

and I guess now, my childhood intuition was right.

Everything around me seems to

be still flowing the way it was,

but things are changing.

Some people who, a few months ago,

I considered to be important to me,

somehow feel a bit more distant than when we first met.

Others start acting out of character

and some are just so confusing,

I'd rather not think about anymore.

But I'm glad, in the midst of all these,

I still have people I can rely on.

People who haven't changed.

People who, when I talk to, make me realize

that I haven't changed either. =)

And just for that reason alone,

I shall continue smiling. :)

Even if I'm no longer familiar with this world

I'm living in anymore, there are still 'landmarks' 

for me to look.

No matter how much changes,

there will always be never-changing things.

The door is open. It can never be closed again.

My whole world has started to spin the other way round

and I have no choice but to follow.

Even so, I still make my own decisions,

and I still am who I am.

The past week (mocks) have thought me

about the true strength of willpower.

And the magic of believing.

If Ayumu Narumi can gamble his life

on faith, so can I.

Because right now I'm alive.

And life is way too short to be 

worrying about the world.

After all, who knows,

while I continue to do what I do,

maybe one day I can bring 

this world back to its original orbit.

It's like a transmutation circle.

Only when its complete can you have alchemy. :)

.:: Nanairo No Compass English Translation ::.

NOTE: It's my first time translating lyrics and 

I've never had formal Japanese classes, 

so this is based on what I've picked up from 

the ton of anime I've watched. :) 

Just had to translate it since it's such a super sweet song! :) 

I could melt hearing Tokiya's voice. <3
Do correct me if there are any mistakes.
Will translate the rest of the songs if

no one else will :)

Nanairo No Compass - Mamoru Miyano

Ah… Kimi dake ni todoke

Kono kaze no oto yo Feeling heart…

Ahhh...  only to you will it reach

The sound of this wind. Feeling heart.

Mou nakanakute ii yo sono mama de ii

Sora wo mite Ah… My sweetest love

You don’t have to cry anymore, just stay as you are

Look at the skies. Ah, My sweetest love

Blue… aoku kagayaku hoho wo tsutau sono shizuku

Rise… shitte ita kai? Asu e no hikari dato

Truth… kimi wa tabun ne jibun wo mada yoku shiranai

Sono namida wa kitto kimi wo michibiku niji ni naru

Blue. That blue sparkling tear that slowly trails down your cheek

Rise. Did you know? The light that leads us to tomorrow

Truth. You probably still don't know yourself that well

Those tears will definitely become a rainbow that guides you.

Nagai tabi ni kogoeru nara

Ah… uta de atatamete ageru yo

If you get cold on your long journey

Ah, I’ll warm you up with a song

Kimi ga negau koto no zenbu ga hoshi ni naranai kamoshirenai

Dakedo shinjiru yume de areba

Ikusen aru 「yozora no ichiban kirameku hazu no houseki」 saa

All the things you wish for might not become stars

But if you have a dream you believe in

There will be thousands of the brightest shining jewels in the night sky

Think… oboeteru kai? Kaerimichi no yuuyake wo

Yes… hashai de ita mirai chizu hirogete

Dream… itsukara darou? Mune ga shimetsukerareru yo

Terasareru kokoro chikuri otona no aji datta

Think. Do you remember? The sunset on the way home.

Yes. The happiness as the map of the future was opened

Dream. I wonder since when? My chest tightens up.

A prickling adult taste shines on my heart

Hitori kiri ja dekinai koto mo

Ah… Kimi to norikoete ikitai

Even things that can’t be done alone,

Ah, I want to overcome them with you

Kimi ga egao ni naru koto naraba 

Kami-sama ni datte uso wo tsuku

Ai to yoberu kurai ni suki dakara

Issho ni kite hoshii yo Na mo naki monogatari e to 

Fly to sky

If it’s something that can make you smile,

Even God would lie

Because I like you to the point of love

I want to go together with you

To the nameless rainbow

Fly to sky

Mou nakanakute ii yo sono mama de ii

Kimi wo mamorasete hoshii’n da

Futari shinjiru yume de areba

Ano hi no taiyou yori zettai ni sugoku kirei na

Nanairo wo furaserareru… sekai ni

You don’t have to cry anymore, just stay as you are

I want to protect you

If we have a dream we both believe in

Definitely, even more than the sun of that day,

Extremely beautiful seven colours will shine

On the world