10 Things Uni Taught Me.

With the end of exams comes the winter break. One semester to go before I'll be done with this degree I started two years ago. Boy does time fly.

Soon, it'll be that time in life again, where I face crossroads and decisions. I know I've always dreaded decisions; not knowing where each road could lead to is a really scary thing. Am I making the right choices, have I done enough, will I be alright?

But if there's anything these past two years here has taught me, it's that I can stand perfectly on my own two feet. I came here like a scared little fledgling roaming away from her nest for the very first time, with fears that piled up mountain high. I was forced outside my comfort zone and tried to desperately grab a hold of an anchor to mold a new comfort zone because uncertainties and the unknown scared me to no bounds.

But hey, it's been two years. To others, I might have been 'wasting my time' here because I haven't gone out as much and experienced Melbourne. But I've been taking baby steps, small but steady ones outside my 'little world'.

1. I can go around the city on my own now, without needing someone to come with me. I have tried exploring the different routes I can take to uni and now have a few 'shortcuts' of my own. Public transport is no longer something unsafe, it is convenient and reliable. 
2. I discovered the joys of cooking, of making so many different things from the same few ingredients, letting my creativity flow coupled with random cravings every now and then. Honestly, I'm not quite sure how my cooking improved, given that all I've been doing is experimenting based on whimsical ideas that pop into my head when I see a certain ingredient on sale while grocery shopping. 
3. My tolerance for pressure has leveled up. Overloading as well as doing my part in the UMSU Intl has completely rebuilt my tolerance levels. Having to meet so many demands from so many areas of uni life as well as fulfilling my personal expectations often left me with a heavy burden on my shoulder, but just like someone who trains their muscle strength by lifting weights, I guess I've somehow worked myself around it all. Granted, it doesn't always work, I do have times when I panic and break down, but I feel like going through uni has enabled me to take much, much more crap from my surroundings.
4. Chipped away a little perfectionism. I am more than aware that I have always been somewhat of a perfectionist, but uni has taught me that you can't have it all, because 12 weeks is actually very little time. So it's okay not to put in 110% into everything, rather, judgement of how much effort to put into something is extremely crucial especially when you're maintaining a fragile balance between 5 subjects, student union activities and your personal and social life. It actually feels quite liberating to know that you can hold back and take a break, rather than push onward constantly like a deranged bull.
5. If you have time to panic, you have time to plan. Whenever I feel super panicky or unsure about what's going on, I sit down with a piece of paper and start planning out all the things that need to be done/ problems that need to be solved and then order them according to priority. Even if I don't do things according to plan in the end (which usually happens thanks to procrastination/over-indulgence of anime, manga and k-drama/no mood/ being lazy), I'll just re delegate my tasks over the time I have left because that's about all I can do. Also, when all else fails, wash away all that uneasiness with a nice, warm shower and a good nap (or play the guitar).
6. Trust. Honestly, there's so much to say about this given how my naivety of trusting people so much usually ends up throwing me in a state of turmoil. But I've decided that while my heart may be closed off, I'll keep my mind open and let the things that hurt me go because life is way too short to let insignificant, transient things bother me. Regardless of how many people out there may try to bother me, as long as I remember those who stay true to me and love me, that's more than enough.
7. There is no shame in taking the easy way out. This might prove to be the most important lesson I've learnt in uni, maybe. While we should work hard to achieve our goals, there is nothing wrong with taking paths that require the least effort to get there. We live our whole lives trying to be the best, but more often than not, we miss the real point of things. Being the 'best' doesn't equal to forcing yourself to do something more difficult just because your ego thinks you should be able to handle it; more often it's having the judgement of how to achieve your goals in the simplest way that is crucial. I mean, come on, why else do you think mathematicians invented all those formulae to make calculating things easier than having to go through the same, long, boring basic algorithms all the time. Pssh.
8. Believe in yourself; everything will be alright. Because a little self confidence goes a long way in keeping your mind calm and open to ideas that will pave the way to an adequate solution to whatever problems you're facing. There is ALWAYS a solution, though some may come at a higher price than others.
9. Live in the moment and look forward to the future. Looking to the past is fine as long as you remember where you are right now. This moment will only come once, so make the most of it. Even if things are down and depressing, there will be a silver lining on that cloud. So even if times are tough, put on a smile and start looking for that little ray of sun, because things could always have been worse. As long as your heart beats, things are still going great and will get better.
10. What happiness really is. This is probably the linchpin of what decisions I'll make from here on. True happiness comes in different forms for everyone, be it a simple well-cooked meal, a good anime episode or manga chapter or a lazy Sunday afternoon with loved ones.

I actually started writing this post days before my final exam and left it as a draft till today. Perhaps I wanted to leave something as a reminder to my future self, or perhaps I wanted to pen down something concrete to ascertain that I have changed in some ways. 

Today, I met some friends from college; while some of them already know what they'll be doing years from now, some are still as unsure as I am. So I'll trust my heart and take a leap of faith. From here on out, whatever happens, I'll just keep trying my best. 

Halfway there.

So it's been forever since I've last posted anything so I figured I'd drop a post since it is the Easter holidays and I haven't written anything much in English, save for text messages and UMSU Intl's fortnightly newsletter. Time to keep up with my New Year's Resolutions to write more.

This semester started as a really crazy one right off the bat. Summer was really relaxed with only two days of classes (since I skipped all my Intermediate Microeconomics lectures) so going back to the 18 hours per week required a huge gear shift. It didn't really help that I only came back on a Tuesday and missed four lectures on Day 1, nor that I nearly had a heart attack when my luggage went into the oversized baggage department for the first time. I guess I shouldn't really diss my stamina as I managed to get my groceries, go for class, unpack and clean my whole unit the day I landed in Melbourne. That was probably my most productive day ever.

Fast forward into the semester, the tides turned violent and the pressure on my shoulders got heavier. Everything was a lot harder than before, all my subjects have stepped up at least a notch or two. And I learned some important life lessons that I had forgotten. What friendship was and wasn't, who to trust and who to be wary of. I guess being surrounded by really nice people in college really made me let my guard down; I had forgotten to be skeptical and had grown to be really naive. The wake up call was harsh, but at the same time, it was one I was glad for.

The value of foresight also became really apparent to me. Being able to plan ahead for some things really does help reduce the burden. Being able to decide what I was capable of, how much I could really handle was also really important; so many times we overestimate our abilities, thinking we should be able to do more and criticizing ourselves for not being able to achieve those expectations. I guess I'm really lucky because I have people who are there to remind me that it's okay to not be able to do everything. It's okay to be wrong. It's okay to be weak and rely on someone else. It's okay to take a break and fall back. It's okay to go back on certain decisions. It's okay, as long as you remember what's important, why you're where you are and what you really want to achieve.

When things are really bad, it's okay to cry. Cry your heart out as much as you want, but never cry again for the same things. Let it go. You decide what bothers you, so don't let them in your head because they aren't worth it. There are always better things in life more worth your time.

The past two weeks have been dreadful for me, to be honest. Never-ending assignments, deadlines, work, work and more work. It has been a really long time since I last lost my voice or had a fever that dragged out for days or had my patience tested to it's limits. But all's well that ends well. :) Easter break is here and I'm in the best place on Earth recuperating, reflecting on the first half of the semester. 

I'm writing this so that the next time the world decides to crumble on me again, I'll know that I've been there, done that and can do it again. And to remind myself that they weren't all only bad times; where there are shadows, there's also light after all. And the finale to week 7 where I pack my bags to come home was just the very best.

So quickly have 7 weeks gone by, I'm already halfway there. Halfway there, all beat up but standing strong. Halfway there; bring it on.

2013 in hindsight.

Here we are again, at the end of another year that left as quickly as it came. 2013 was definitely one of those fast-slow years for me, quick in its passing but with bundles of memories that will be slow to fade. 

As part of reviewing what 2013 meant for me, we'll start off with the list I made earlier this year.

1. Enjoy Life in Melbourne

I think when you stop consciously counting down the days to when you get home every day, it's a sign that something has changed. On the one hand, my second semester this year was very packed, but on the other hand, time only flies when you're having fun. And I have my friends and MUOSS family to thank for that. I've also realized that liking Melbourne has nothing to do with not loving your home as much. (Yes, I've been naive and childish in thinking that it was one or the other.) Granted, I'd still always want to be home above anywhere else, but that doesn't mean Melbourne isn't growing on me. Wherever I go from here, there'll always be a piece of home and Melbourne with me now. (partially thanks to the wonders of technology and internet heh.)

Also, no more 5km radius from my unit! (check point 3.)

2. Maintain first class honours in my course and not go green with jealousy at people with day-offs.

Okay. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this point. How can I not go green with jealousy especially when my semester's timetable looks like a rainbow checkers board while some people up to two days off. HMPH. =I

But save for that tiny hitch in Sem 1, all's well that ends well.

Like OMG I cannot believe I lived through OB. 

3. Try something new

i. Highlighted my hair. :D

ii.Tried footie through MUOSS Buddy Program. Keyword being 'tried', I don't think I'll be playing it anytime soon given how consistently I missed (as in not making contact with) the ball.

iii. Japanese Speech Contest. :) A wonderful experience that came with a lovely surprise of placing second :3

iv. Overloading with OB as one of the five subjects is a stupid idea. 

v. Sydney.

v. Guitar (the one on the right is mine). Day 17.

Hmm could have sworn I had more, but oh well.

4. Read a bit more

Yeah, well. I had OB this sem, check for peer-reviewed journals. >< 

And those SAO novels and Mortal Instruments series were really interesting. And I did read a few random articles every now and then when they popped up on my Facebook feed. That's a start, right? :D

5. Exercise

Buddy program, Laser Tag, one basketball game and just about all the staircases in Sydney. Oh and I still walk to uni and back?

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Fine, I'll try harder next year.

6. Write again

Will have to work on this one. :( Aside from the fortnightly Accent and a few blog posts; barely had much time to write anything else. :/

7. Learn at least three more songs on the piano this year.

Two on the piano (Butterfly by Wada Kouji and Let It Go from Frozen), two on the guitar (Kaze Ni Naru from Cat Returns and Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade). At least I'll be able to bring the guitar back to Melb with me :)

8. Kanji

If OB was the worst subject to overload with, Japanese 2 was probably the best subject I ever took. Stress-free, fun and something I truly loved. Japanese 3, here I come! :)

9. Be myself.

Always.

In addition to that, I turned 21 this year. :) Although we seemingly didn't do anything special, I had a simple 21st spent with the people who are most precious to me; my family. Dinner, birthday cake from Baskin Robbins, my travel guitar and a whole lot of love. All of which makes me a very lucky, very happy 21 year-old.

All in all, 2013 was a wonderful, wholesome year. There were ups and downs and falls and frowns throughout the way, but all the knots came loose in the most beautiful way. Looking back, uni didn't come easy; having to juggle between work and play, but it was definitely worth it. 

So thank you, 2013. Thank you.

And Happy New Year, everyone. :)

I choose.

Recently, it's been so hectic around here, I haven't had time to myself at all. It's always, 

" Oh, assignment's due on Monday" 

"Right, now that I've done this... time to prepare for that test."

"Oh snap, two tests in a day, have to make sure I'm in time for this."

"Aww newsletter's due tomorrow."

I suppose that's what you get when you sign up for 5 subjects in a semester plus being an office bearer in your student union. And then there will come times like this, when everything's all messy and tangled up and you have no idea where to start untangling the ropes. Your vision's fuzzy, your headlights dimmed, your engine's run-down and you're just downright exhausted. And then you get frustrated. At all the things you're expected of, at all the things you have to do, at the people around you and the place, weather, just everything.

But you know, deep down inside of you somewhere, the one you're most frustrated at, is yourself. Why am I so powerless? Why can't I do this? Why couldn't I do better? Inspirational stories of how people who are now successful have once failed seemed like a tape on repeat, you don't think it could apply to you at all. You're not inspired, you're just more angry at yourself now.

You whine, you cry (or at least try to), you try to sleep it off until you feel... numb. I tried my best, what else is there to do?

But was it really your best?

Too many times have I failed because I did not believe in myself. Too many times I have chosen to simply brush past my instincts, although time and time again, they've proven themselves to be the right answer. It took one Japanese tutorial to make me realize how important self-confidence really is. Yes, my Japanese isn't perfect, in fact, it's pretty flawed, but if I didn't believe in myself enough to follow my instincts and use the words I thought I should be using, then all of those words would've remained unspoken forever. Five years ago, had I not taken that leap of faith to start conversing in full Japanese during my exchange, I would be still the timid old me, muttering the one two words I was 100% confident of and learning nothing more. I was wrong loads of times, so much so that I feel kind of embarrassed thinking back now. But it didn't matter, I loved the language and I got back up each time. 

Falling and failing is all part of the process of growing. It's been a while since I last scraped a knee so I completely forgot how to treat one and it became pretty serious until I went to the pharmacy for help. I suppose it's the same with life. It's been a while since I've fallen down, so it takes a bit of time to figure out how to stand up again, it may not be the same as what I used to be able to do but it doesn't matter. If I wanted a simple, carefree life, I wouldn't have put myself on this track. I chose to be here. I chose the road not taken. I chose the rocky path. And now, in face of all this pressure, I choose to put my foot forward. 

I choose to believe.

Jack of Diamonds.

Sometimes you put your all into something and it just doesn't seem to connect for you. It's like walking on a travellator moving in the opposite direction, you walk and walk as fast as you can but it's just not fast enough. Sure you're not moving backwards, and you're pretty ahead of some people, but at least they're moving in some direction while you're just there, stationary at that same point on that travellator. You're exhausted, you're frustrated, you want a break. But the minute you stop to take a rest, you know you'll fall back and honestly, that's not something you can afford right now. So you hang in there and then you start questioning yourself. Why are you even on that travellator to start? But try as you might, you find no answer.

A jack of all traits is a master of none.
In the realm of playing cards, I'd prolly be the Jack of Diamonds, easily inferior to the rest of the Jacks; too large to join the numbers but too small to be part of the Royals.

But they say diamonds are precious. Let's hope they're right, because I sure don't feel that way right now. Someone please oh please show me how to refine this diamond in the rough, if that's truly what it is. Please.

.::: I Remember :::.

I remember this feeling. My body remembers this fatigue I feel. My mind remembers this feeling of hopelessness, but there's an automatic combat mechanism inside of me trying to suppress it this time round so I'm still not showing it. I remember this feeling very well.

The last time I felt like this was around 8 months ago, when I was brought here and left on my own for nearly two months, with every single living cell in me rejecting this place. The pressure of having to face off a tough subject like Accelerated Maths 2 with no previous experience of how lectures in a huge hall were like, slowly got to me. I worked twice as hard, but no matter what, it still felt very empty. It didn't feel right. I didn't feel like myself.

Could math have stopped appealing to me? Was I, after all, kidding myself when I thought maths was the one thing that I could take on? I was unprepared, 7 whole months of unrelated work after leaving college has made room for everything I knew to rot. I was frustrated at where I was, the grass everywhere else seemed greener at that point. Eventhough that wasn't the case.

Then the midsem break came and I couldn't have been more excited and happy to go home. In my head somewhere, I told myself, I probably won't be coming back here again.

But two weeks at home, just lazing around, doing the everyday stuff that seemed trivial in every way, totally living life as if I'd never come to uni worked wonders. All the tensions broke loose, all my fears and frustration melted away like a sugar cube. And I came back. To the place I thought I would abandon.

That week after my two weeks at home, I immediately had four assignments due. I should have panicked and broken down. It should have ended there. But I was calm. I saw it through and I felt so proud of myself for that. Where did all this strength suddenly come from? Suddenly, Accelerated Maths seemed to talk to me again, I began to truly enjoy what I was doing once more. And I began to accept things around me like it was natural for me to, eventhough I was rejecting everythng before. And just like that, semester 1 ended really well for me, in a way I'd never imagined possible before I went back to Malaysia the first time.

I remember. I remember what gave me that change. What gave me that extra boost that suddenly made the coin flip sides, what made everything suddenly seem better. It was 'home'. One week at home and I'd be ready to take on the world.

I remember this feeling. It's homesickness. I miss home. I miss everyone so badly I would drop everything right now and come home. Even when I was in my spot of sun, I still went home each weekend. But it's no longer a three hour bus ride. It's a whole 8 hours at a price that doesn't allow for me to be home every weekend. Oh those simple weekends at home. How I miss them. How I miss all of you. How I hate not being able to see you all in person. How I miss the hugs, the teasing, the smalltalk when we'd all be in the same room waiting to fall asleep, the laughter, the out-of-tune singing to the radio or our travelling games, camping in front of the television in the living room and not moving until we finished that series, the background yelling of two very annoying online gamers that should really get a life, looking for the right weeds and grass for Fluffy, cooking with and for Grandma, my piano, my room, my stash of anime DVDs. How I miss home.

This is a feeling no one else outside 'our world' will understand. I don't need to travel around the world. I don't want to visit places during my breaks just because 'I'm already here, I might as well'. I know exactly what I want. I want to be right there, next to all of you. I want to be home.

So I'll hang on and count down the days. I'll be strong and do my best. Because I remember why I came back here and why I had to come here. 58 more days. 58 more days and I'll be home. Where I remember being the happiest I could ever be.

The Nightmare.

One of those nights. Just one of those nights.

When you've gotten all comfortable in bed; wrapped up in warm blankets and hug your bolster while shifting to find the perfect position to drift away to sleep. You don't know how much time passes before you start to hear voices. All these voices in your head. They're talking, you're listening. They're saying things that you will lose memory of when you wake up. You don't know what happens, but the talking picks up speed, your heart beats slightly faster and you know it's happening again. The nightmare.

The irony is that nothing happens this time. There's just this heavy feeling on your chest. There's just fear. But that's when it's the worst. When you don't know what you're afraid of. If it was at least a dream where you had something to run away from, you could do something about it. But you can't. You want to scream, but your voice just catches on your throat and all you're expelling is carbon dioxide. You want to move, but your body movements are completely sealed. A million thoughts flow through your head (odd isn't it, when the dream is literally in your head already, so it's a bit like inception at this point). You wake up to another dream, same things, same fear and you wake up again, but you're still there. This repeats so many times, that at some point, you don't even know whether you're still dreaming or you've already woken up. And you question everything around you. There's nothing you can do but wait for it to be over.

That's the kind of nightmares I get. Only at night. Some have tried to explain it as mere REM sleep, something a normal person goes through. It'd be good if that was all it was.

 I don't want to give up on my dreams. I don't want to hate the same things that calm me down and bring me joy. I don't want to hate the darkness the night brings. So, please don't make me.

You know what's scarier? My dreams have always reflected real life. Always.