Reminisce and Restart

The sound of fireworks blasting off in the background accompanied by notification sounds from the incoming 'Happy New Year' texts caught me a bit off-guard this year. Just like that, another year was ushered in before I was mentally prepared to part with the old one. I guess too many things have happened in 2015 that it all seemed to go by too quickly for it to sink in.

Was 2015 a good year?

As I reminisce the previous year on my mental screen, a plethora of images flash past; new encounters, building precious bonds from both old and new acquaintances, new experiences, a bit of soul searching; I discovered parts of me that I had long forgotten and/or never knew. There were plenty of surprises and countless moments when I'd go to bed thanking God for blessing me with so much, but there were also moments of uncertainty, frustration and weakness that I'd feel numb and empty inside. But even at those times, I was immensely blessed with people who'd console me and convince me that it'd all be okay as well as those who'd be strict with me so I'd realize how silly I was being. 

Some key takeaways from 2015 would be:

1. "Take a leap of faith." If you don't know where you want to go and you're lost without direction, that means you can pretty much go anywhere; anywhere at all would be a step forward. Give yourself a chance, expect nothing but do your best anyway and life will surprise you.

2."Whenever you lose, there's something to gain. Lose the battle if you will, but don't lose the lesson." Yes, you can't always win, but who says losing's a bad thing? If you take the fall, you'll know for sure what to not do the next time. 

3. "Be true to yourself; change only for yourself." There used to be this saying from an anime that is vividly etched in my head even though its origins are a bit fuzzy; "I'd rather be hated for being myself than be loved for being someone I'm not." Of course, you should totally adapt to new environments and work culture, but if you have to down some shots just to 'fit in', well, I'd prefer to have friends who appreciate me when they're sober.

4. "Life is too short to be spent worrying about unchangeable yesterdays and uncertain tomorrows." Nobody can tell what tomorrow brings. You can worry about it all you want, or you could spend all those precious minutes on something else that's more fulfilling, tomorrow will come regardless. It's not going to punish you any less for not worrying about it, similarly there is nothing rewarding about unfounded fears. There is a fine line between mental preparation and exhausting anticipation. Enjoy the 'now' as it is, because our clocks are all mercilessly ticking away.

The flashback ends there, but the road doesn't.

"Today is the first blank page of a 366-paged book. Write a good one."

I absolutely intend to. Time to hit [Restart].

2013 in hindsight.

Here we are again, at the end of another year that left as quickly as it came. 2013 was definitely one of those fast-slow years for me, quick in its passing but with bundles of memories that will be slow to fade. 

As part of reviewing what 2013 meant for me, we'll start off with the list I made earlier this year.

1. Enjoy Life in Melbourne

I think when you stop consciously counting down the days to when you get home every day, it's a sign that something has changed. On the one hand, my second semester this year was very packed, but on the other hand, time only flies when you're having fun. And I have my friends and MUOSS family to thank for that. I've also realized that liking Melbourne has nothing to do with not loving your home as much. (Yes, I've been naive and childish in thinking that it was one or the other.) Granted, I'd still always want to be home above anywhere else, but that doesn't mean Melbourne isn't growing on me. Wherever I go from here, there'll always be a piece of home and Melbourne with me now. (partially thanks to the wonders of technology and internet heh.)

Also, no more 5km radius from my unit! (check point 3.)

2. Maintain first class honours in my course and not go green with jealousy at people with day-offs.

Okay. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this point. How can I not go green with jealousy especially when my semester's timetable looks like a rainbow checkers board while some people up to two days off. HMPH. =I

But save for that tiny hitch in Sem 1, all's well that ends well.

Like OMG I cannot believe I lived through OB. 

3. Try something new

i. Highlighted my hair. :D

ii.Tried footie through MUOSS Buddy Program. Keyword being 'tried', I don't think I'll be playing it anytime soon given how consistently I missed (as in not making contact with) the ball.

iii. Japanese Speech Contest. :) A wonderful experience that came with a lovely surprise of placing second :3

iv. Overloading with OB as one of the five subjects is a stupid idea. 

v. Sydney.

v. Guitar (the one on the right is mine). Day 17.

Hmm could have sworn I had more, but oh well.

4. Read a bit more

Yeah, well. I had OB this sem, check for peer-reviewed journals. >< 

And those SAO novels and Mortal Instruments series were really interesting. And I did read a few random articles every now and then when they popped up on my Facebook feed. That's a start, right? :D

5. Exercise

Buddy program, Laser Tag, one basketball game and just about all the staircases in Sydney. Oh and I still walk to uni and back?

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Fine, I'll try harder next year.

6. Write again

Will have to work on this one. :( Aside from the fortnightly Accent and a few blog posts; barely had much time to write anything else. :/

7. Learn at least three more songs on the piano this year.

Two on the piano (Butterfly by Wada Kouji and Let It Go from Frozen), two on the guitar (Kaze Ni Naru from Cat Returns and Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade). At least I'll be able to bring the guitar back to Melb with me :)

8. Kanji

If OB was the worst subject to overload with, Japanese 2 was probably the best subject I ever took. Stress-free, fun and something I truly loved. Japanese 3, here I come! :)

9. Be myself.

Always.

In addition to that, I turned 21 this year. :) Although we seemingly didn't do anything special, I had a simple 21st spent with the people who are most precious to me; my family. Dinner, birthday cake from Baskin Robbins, my travel guitar and a whole lot of love. All of which makes me a very lucky, very happy 21 year-old.

All in all, 2013 was a wonderful, wholesome year. There were ups and downs and falls and frowns throughout the way, but all the knots came loose in the most beautiful way. Looking back, uni didn't come easy; having to juggle between work and play, but it was definitely worth it. 

So thank you, 2013. Thank you.

And Happy New Year, everyone. :)

.::: I Remember :::.

I remember this feeling. My body remembers this fatigue I feel. My mind remembers this feeling of hopelessness, but there's an automatic combat mechanism inside of me trying to suppress it this time round so I'm still not showing it. I remember this feeling very well.

The last time I felt like this was around 8 months ago, when I was brought here and left on my own for nearly two months, with every single living cell in me rejecting this place. The pressure of having to face off a tough subject like Accelerated Maths 2 with no previous experience of how lectures in a huge hall were like, slowly got to me. I worked twice as hard, but no matter what, it still felt very empty. It didn't feel right. I didn't feel like myself.

Could math have stopped appealing to me? Was I, after all, kidding myself when I thought maths was the one thing that I could take on? I was unprepared, 7 whole months of unrelated work after leaving college has made room for everything I knew to rot. I was frustrated at where I was, the grass everywhere else seemed greener at that point. Eventhough that wasn't the case.

Then the midsem break came and I couldn't have been more excited and happy to go home. In my head somewhere, I told myself, I probably won't be coming back here again.

But two weeks at home, just lazing around, doing the everyday stuff that seemed trivial in every way, totally living life as if I'd never come to uni worked wonders. All the tensions broke loose, all my fears and frustration melted away like a sugar cube. And I came back. To the place I thought I would abandon.

That week after my two weeks at home, I immediately had four assignments due. I should have panicked and broken down. It should have ended there. But I was calm. I saw it through and I felt so proud of myself for that. Where did all this strength suddenly come from? Suddenly, Accelerated Maths seemed to talk to me again, I began to truly enjoy what I was doing once more. And I began to accept things around me like it was natural for me to, eventhough I was rejecting everythng before. And just like that, semester 1 ended really well for me, in a way I'd never imagined possible before I went back to Malaysia the first time.

I remember. I remember what gave me that change. What gave me that extra boost that suddenly made the coin flip sides, what made everything suddenly seem better. It was 'home'. One week at home and I'd be ready to take on the world.

I remember this feeling. It's homesickness. I miss home. I miss everyone so badly I would drop everything right now and come home. Even when I was in my spot of sun, I still went home each weekend. But it's no longer a three hour bus ride. It's a whole 8 hours at a price that doesn't allow for me to be home every weekend. Oh those simple weekends at home. How I miss them. How I miss all of you. How I hate not being able to see you all in person. How I miss the hugs, the teasing, the smalltalk when we'd all be in the same room waiting to fall asleep, the laughter, the out-of-tune singing to the radio or our travelling games, camping in front of the television in the living room and not moving until we finished that series, the background yelling of two very annoying online gamers that should really get a life, looking for the right weeds and grass for Fluffy, cooking with and for Grandma, my piano, my room, my stash of anime DVDs. How I miss home.

This is a feeling no one else outside 'our world' will understand. I don't need to travel around the world. I don't want to visit places during my breaks just because 'I'm already here, I might as well'. I know exactly what I want. I want to be right there, next to all of you. I want to be home.

So I'll hang on and count down the days. I'll be strong and do my best. Because I remember why I came back here and why I had to come here. 58 more days. 58 more days and I'll be home. Where I remember being the happiest I could ever be.