6 for 2016.

Thinking about just how much I've gone through in the past two months makes it seem like I've lived through another year instead of just 50+ days. I've had frightful, disappointing and unpleasant experiences, countless roadblocks and challenges so much so that I can't help but feel my chest tightening and all numb inside at times.  In retrospect, I believe they've helped me grow and open my eyes to the world; both the up-sides and the down-sides. I've had the longest bout of food poisoning ever (no nasi dagang for me for a while), which nearly got me suspected of dengue and eventually caused me to miss out on CNY altogether, but it was swiftly made up for with quality time at home and a great time with cousins. Sure, the year started off with a bumpy ride, but I'm going to enjoy the ride all the same.

So I've been asked a lot about what my New Year's Resolutions were; I've had a rough idea for a while now but never quite had the words to write them down. Seeing as the Lunar New Year is already ending, I suppose this is as late as a New Year's Resolution List is going to get.

The first half of my resolutions are going to be the tougher ones, so I've gotten some help from my usual pillars of support; quotes from anime, manga and anime songs.

1. Be prepared for Murphy's Law, but don't worry so much.

"We've only lived for a little over a decade. What a peaceful life is, I can't even begin to imagine, but I know it definitely wouldn't suit me. So I don't need any of that." 
#KajikaBurnsworth #HanasakeruSeishonen

The year of the Fire Monkey promises to be a challenging one, but I've never been the type to fight fire with fire anyway. So I guess it's a good thing I was born a Water Monkey? :P I resolve to always consider the worst case scenario of every situation I'm in, so that I'll be fully prepared to face it and also because, half the time, worst case scenarios aren't really that bad -- they're something I can live with, so that'll help me decide how to move along quicker. I think recently, I've been thinking too much and letting too many things get to me; whether that's something that's self-inflicted or caused by my surroundings, I'd really like to go back to the simple days where I didn't have to dwell much on things and just live life as it is. Things can always go wrong, but I have it within me to make it right again.

"With that pressure hemming in on you from every other side, we'll smile more daringly and bolder than anyone else. I'm sure no matter who it is, it'll always be the same; I must fight against myself."
#Tightrope #CharcoalFilter #GensomadenSaiyuki #Saiyuki

"Because it's not easy, I can live on."
#Life #YUI #Bleach

2. Enjoy life regardless of all the curve balls it'll throw at me. No regrets, instead, look for that light that's casting those shadows.

"He who can smile; even when he's so sad that he wants to die; when it's so painful he wants to give it all up and run away, is the one who becomes strong. But if you can't smile anymore, it's all over. So I'm going to smile! And I'm never going to give up!"
#AtroSpiker #AdletMayer #RokkaNoYuusha

I think I've started to catch a glimpse of the rumored 'mid-life crisis', but I figured I'm still too young for this to be considered 'mid-life' so I'm going to adopt a #YOLO approach starting this year. Regardless of what happens this year, whatever criticism, hate or challenges that come my way, I'll promise myself to try turning those frowns upside down and always look on the bright side of things, even when it can be a pretty dim one. I will find joy in the smallest of things because life is too short for anything else.

"So hold on tight, even if your heart is shattering. Reach into your soul, even if you can't see tomorrow. Yes, if you have the strength to live, you can take another look from the other side. Until you find all that is love."
#OpenUpYourMind #Mirai #GensomadenSaiyuki #Saiyuki

3. Try something new. Conquer old fears. 

"Run faster than the wind! Aim further than the skies! You'll be able to meet a new you. Destroy that weak self of yours! Break down those walls in your way! Your warm heartbeat will be your weapon. Believe in your heart."
#BraveHeart #MiyazakiAyumi #Digimon

Whether it's picking up a new skill or hobby, or just challenging myself to do something I've never dared/ haven't thought of doing before, this year I just want to try something new. I want to conquer old fears and insecurities. I want to learn more about myself and be a better version of me.

"In a way that's like me, I want to change."
#Change #Miwa #Bleach

And now for the slightly easier(?) second half:

4. Lead a healthier lifestyle.

In light of recent events, I've realized my immune system could use some work, so this year, I want to be a bit more health conscious. So this would include exercising more (was thinking of swimming), drinking more water on a daily basis, sleeping enough and eating enough fruits and vegetables (this last part won't be too hard). Also, I want to learn up healthier recipes that I can cook for my grandma who's been getting pickier from day to day (thus killing two birds with one stone).

5. Read more. Write more.

So sometime last year, I've rediscovered the joys of reading (mostly self-improvement books), so I plan to continue reading more this year, especially when it comes to reading news to build up some severely lacking general knowledge. Lately, I haven't been writing as much; whether it's on my blog or in my journal, I want to start writing more again, because I've realized these time capsules and little pieces of myself that I've been leaving behind have helped me get through the worst of times. And as much as possible, I wan't to keep a daily (or weekly) record of quotes that have inspired me.

6. Plan a holiday with the family.

It's actually been a while since the whole family got to go for an actual holiday, so this year, I want to take my family somewhere unexplored, even if it's just a local tourist destination. Wherever it is, it has to be relaxing and care-free, so everyone can just chill and not think about anything except how to have fun for a few days. I think planning for a tiny reward like this is only fair; it gives a good incentive to actually go through all my resolutions. Looking for gaps in all our schedules will be tough, but I guess that's part of the challenge that will make it worth it. We'll probably be able work things out.

I probably could have come up with a few more resolutions but 6 for 2016 has a nice ring to it, no? 

Looking forward to a great year, *Ritsu :)

"Even if today is painful, someday it'll become a warm memory, if you leave everything up to your heart. I've understood the meaning of our living here, it's to know the joy of having been born. Let's stay together, always."
#ForFruitsBasket #RitsukoOkazaki #FruitsBasket

*Reference to Fruits Basket as always, Ritsu Souma is the one cursed with the zodiac of the Monkey. 

Reminisce and Restart

The sound of fireworks blasting off in the background accompanied by notification sounds from the incoming 'Happy New Year' texts caught me a bit off-guard this year. Just like that, another year was ushered in before I was mentally prepared to part with the old one. I guess too many things have happened in 2015 that it all seemed to go by too quickly for it to sink in.

Was 2015 a good year?

As I reminisce the previous year on my mental screen, a plethora of images flash past; new encounters, building precious bonds from both old and new acquaintances, new experiences, a bit of soul searching; I discovered parts of me that I had long forgotten and/or never knew. There were plenty of surprises and countless moments when I'd go to bed thanking God for blessing me with so much, but there were also moments of uncertainty, frustration and weakness that I'd feel numb and empty inside. But even at those times, I was immensely blessed with people who'd console me and convince me that it'd all be okay as well as those who'd be strict with me so I'd realize how silly I was being. 

Some key takeaways from 2015 would be:

1. "Take a leap of faith." If you don't know where you want to go and you're lost without direction, that means you can pretty much go anywhere; anywhere at all would be a step forward. Give yourself a chance, expect nothing but do your best anyway and life will surprise you.

2."Whenever you lose, there's something to gain. Lose the battle if you will, but don't lose the lesson." Yes, you can't always win, but who says losing's a bad thing? If you take the fall, you'll know for sure what to not do the next time. 

3. "Be true to yourself; change only for yourself." There used to be this saying from an anime that is vividly etched in my head even though its origins are a bit fuzzy; "I'd rather be hated for being myself than be loved for being someone I'm not." Of course, you should totally adapt to new environments and work culture, but if you have to down some shots just to 'fit in', well, I'd prefer to have friends who appreciate me when they're sober.

4. "Life is too short to be spent worrying about unchangeable yesterdays and uncertain tomorrows." Nobody can tell what tomorrow brings. You can worry about it all you want, or you could spend all those precious minutes on something else that's more fulfilling, tomorrow will come regardless. It's not going to punish you any less for not worrying about it, similarly there is nothing rewarding about unfounded fears. There is a fine line between mental preparation and exhausting anticipation. Enjoy the 'now' as it is, because our clocks are all mercilessly ticking away.

The flashback ends there, but the road doesn't.

"Today is the first blank page of a 366-paged book. Write a good one."

I absolutely intend to. Time to hit [Restart].

Hey, if it's not too late, I still want to be friends.

"Don't let the fear of getting hurt or suffering a loss stop you from doing what you want to do, because I know you won't want to regret not doing something."

"Problems will come, things will happen in the most unexpected ways. But as long as your heart's still beating, no matter how exhausted you are, you'll be able to deal with it. The Qian Wen I know can do that and much more."

"There will be times when you wish for more and other people's lives will seem more fulfilling and joyful, but that's not your life. You have your own umeboshi* people are envious of so even if you can't see it yet, know and believe that it's there."

Darn did those words hit home. It was as if the 15 and 17-year old me caught me when I was desperately hiding and running away.

十字路。

Crossroads.

I've tried so hard to make myself believe that I've finally picked a path, but in actual fact, I was always still there. The crossroads are never-ending and the path is ever winding. The spot where I stood 6 years ago has an uncanny resemblance with the spot I currently tread on my feet.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I picked Actuarial Studies to start. Part of it was because I had convinced myself, like many others, that math was my niche and so it was the right career path. Part of it might have been due to its high-paying prospects. But part of it was also probably to avoid having to keep looking for a different major to dive into, and that I could try to challenge this 'extremely difficult' major to see if it was 'The One'.

And so I lived through what was supposed to be an enlightening three-year degree for two and a half years, at the end of which, I was so exhausted and tired, I convinced myself I needed a break. Whether it was really because I needed a break or whether I was approaching my limits, I don't really know for sure.

Enter the following year when I finally started to work, I told myself that I would give Actuarial a try. And that was where I learnt that I had learnt nothing at all, that three-- two and a half years in uni with 5 professional exemptions, didn't equip me in the slightest for what was to come. There were language barriers, communication difficulties, awkward ensuing silences, unfounded expectations with poor support leading to a very, very insecure me. Imagine going onto a battlefield empty-handed, waging war when you didn't even know whose side you were on and who your comrades were. That was probably how I felt, but I stuck to it anyway, trying my best in whatever little I could do, appreciating the smallest help I got (I really am eternally grateful to those helping hands) but deep inside, I couldn't wait to get it over and done with. 

The freedom I felt when it was all over. I managed to convince myself, with little effort, that it was not for me. That it wasn't meant to be. That maybe, I have a different calling. That there must be something else that I could do better.

"It's okay to rely on people once in a while, there's no shame in asking for guidance when you're lost."

Secretly, deep down inside, I was afraid. Afraid that if I told them what I really felt and went through, they would verify that I wasn't good enough for Actuarial after all. It sounds so stupid thinking about it out loud like this, but it made me realize that what I was really afraid of was being disassociated from Actuarial, that I actually liked it more than I thought. 

"Hold on to that frustration of being the weakest, because that is a sign that you haven't given up on yourself yet."

Today, I finally broke the ice and talked to someone Qualified about it. Granted, it took a bit of a push for me to do it, I didn't really want to at first, but I'm really glad I did. Because everything I heard today slashed away some of my unfounded insecurities and fear, so much so, that I felt silly for letting a little bad experience scare me away so badly. 

So, here I am reconsidering my career choice. Here I am, putting myself at the crossroads once more. This time I'll ask, this time I'll press harder, this time I'll be thick-faced and face it all headfirst. 

Dear God, if it's not too late, grant me the strength to see this through.

Dear Actuarial, if it's not too late, let's make up, I still want to be friends with you. 

The path ahead will be hard, there will be lots of sacrifices to make, but that was true of all the paths before me and look how far its brought me.

"Do not fear the new, embrace it with an open heart and meld it in with what you are without losing yourself."

* Umeboshi is Japanese pickled plum . This is a reference to Natsuki Takaya's manga/anime Fruits Basket where Honda Tohru describes everyone as onigiris (rice-balls) envying everyone else because they are unable to see their own unique umeboshi because they're stuck on their backs.

* Quotes are from time capsules by my 15 and 17-year old selves as well as a quote from Rakudai Kishi No Cavalry.

10 Things Uni Taught Me.

With the end of exams comes the winter break. One semester to go before I'll be done with this degree I started two years ago. Boy does time fly.

Soon, it'll be that time in life again, where I face crossroads and decisions. I know I've always dreaded decisions; not knowing where each road could lead to is a really scary thing. Am I making the right choices, have I done enough, will I be alright?

But if there's anything these past two years here has taught me, it's that I can stand perfectly on my own two feet. I came here like a scared little fledgling roaming away from her nest for the very first time, with fears that piled up mountain high. I was forced outside my comfort zone and tried to desperately grab a hold of an anchor to mold a new comfort zone because uncertainties and the unknown scared me to no bounds.

But hey, it's been two years. To others, I might have been 'wasting my time' here because I haven't gone out as much and experienced Melbourne. But I've been taking baby steps, small but steady ones outside my 'little world'.

1. I can go around the city on my own now, without needing someone to come with me. I have tried exploring the different routes I can take to uni and now have a few 'shortcuts' of my own. Public transport is no longer something unsafe, it is convenient and reliable. 
2. I discovered the joys of cooking, of making so many different things from the same few ingredients, letting my creativity flow coupled with random cravings every now and then. Honestly, I'm not quite sure how my cooking improved, given that all I've been doing is experimenting based on whimsical ideas that pop into my head when I see a certain ingredient on sale while grocery shopping. 
3. My tolerance for pressure has leveled up. Overloading as well as doing my part in the UMSU Intl has completely rebuilt my tolerance levels. Having to meet so many demands from so many areas of uni life as well as fulfilling my personal expectations often left me with a heavy burden on my shoulder, but just like someone who trains their muscle strength by lifting weights, I guess I've somehow worked myself around it all. Granted, it doesn't always work, I do have times when I panic and break down, but I feel like going through uni has enabled me to take much, much more crap from my surroundings.
4. Chipped away a little perfectionism. I am more than aware that I have always been somewhat of a perfectionist, but uni has taught me that you can't have it all, because 12 weeks is actually very little time. So it's okay not to put in 110% into everything, rather, judgement of how much effort to put into something is extremely crucial especially when you're maintaining a fragile balance between 5 subjects, student union activities and your personal and social life. It actually feels quite liberating to know that you can hold back and take a break, rather than push onward constantly like a deranged bull.
5. If you have time to panic, you have time to plan. Whenever I feel super panicky or unsure about what's going on, I sit down with a piece of paper and start planning out all the things that need to be done/ problems that need to be solved and then order them according to priority. Even if I don't do things according to plan in the end (which usually happens thanks to procrastination/over-indulgence of anime, manga and k-drama/no mood/ being lazy), I'll just re delegate my tasks over the time I have left because that's about all I can do. Also, when all else fails, wash away all that uneasiness with a nice, warm shower and a good nap (or play the guitar).
6. Trust. Honestly, there's so much to say about this given how my naivety of trusting people so much usually ends up throwing me in a state of turmoil. But I've decided that while my heart may be closed off, I'll keep my mind open and let the things that hurt me go because life is way too short to let insignificant, transient things bother me. Regardless of how many people out there may try to bother me, as long as I remember those who stay true to me and love me, that's more than enough.
7. There is no shame in taking the easy way out. This might prove to be the most important lesson I've learnt in uni, maybe. While we should work hard to achieve our goals, there is nothing wrong with taking paths that require the least effort to get there. We live our whole lives trying to be the best, but more often than not, we miss the real point of things. Being the 'best' doesn't equal to forcing yourself to do something more difficult just because your ego thinks you should be able to handle it; more often it's having the judgement of how to achieve your goals in the simplest way that is crucial. I mean, come on, why else do you think mathematicians invented all those formulae to make calculating things easier than having to go through the same, long, boring basic algorithms all the time. Pssh.
8. Believe in yourself; everything will be alright. Because a little self confidence goes a long way in keeping your mind calm and open to ideas that will pave the way to an adequate solution to whatever problems you're facing. There is ALWAYS a solution, though some may come at a higher price than others.
9. Live in the moment and look forward to the future. Looking to the past is fine as long as you remember where you are right now. This moment will only come once, so make the most of it. Even if things are down and depressing, there will be a silver lining on that cloud. So even if times are tough, put on a smile and start looking for that little ray of sun, because things could always have been worse. As long as your heart beats, things are still going great and will get better.
10. What happiness really is. This is probably the linchpin of what decisions I'll make from here on. True happiness comes in different forms for everyone, be it a simple well-cooked meal, a good anime episode or manga chapter or a lazy Sunday afternoon with loved ones.

I actually started writing this post days before my final exam and left it as a draft till today. Perhaps I wanted to leave something as a reminder to my future self, or perhaps I wanted to pen down something concrete to ascertain that I have changed in some ways. 

Today, I met some friends from college; while some of them already know what they'll be doing years from now, some are still as unsure as I am. So I'll trust my heart and take a leap of faith. From here on out, whatever happens, I'll just keep trying my best. 

.::: I Remember :::.

I remember this feeling. My body remembers this fatigue I feel. My mind remembers this feeling of hopelessness, but there's an automatic combat mechanism inside of me trying to suppress it this time round so I'm still not showing it. I remember this feeling very well.

The last time I felt like this was around 8 months ago, when I was brought here and left on my own for nearly two months, with every single living cell in me rejecting this place. The pressure of having to face off a tough subject like Accelerated Maths 2 with no previous experience of how lectures in a huge hall were like, slowly got to me. I worked twice as hard, but no matter what, it still felt very empty. It didn't feel right. I didn't feel like myself.

Could math have stopped appealing to me? Was I, after all, kidding myself when I thought maths was the one thing that I could take on? I was unprepared, 7 whole months of unrelated work after leaving college has made room for everything I knew to rot. I was frustrated at where I was, the grass everywhere else seemed greener at that point. Eventhough that wasn't the case.

Then the midsem break came and I couldn't have been more excited and happy to go home. In my head somewhere, I told myself, I probably won't be coming back here again.

But two weeks at home, just lazing around, doing the everyday stuff that seemed trivial in every way, totally living life as if I'd never come to uni worked wonders. All the tensions broke loose, all my fears and frustration melted away like a sugar cube. And I came back. To the place I thought I would abandon.

That week after my two weeks at home, I immediately had four assignments due. I should have panicked and broken down. It should have ended there. But I was calm. I saw it through and I felt so proud of myself for that. Where did all this strength suddenly come from? Suddenly, Accelerated Maths seemed to talk to me again, I began to truly enjoy what I was doing once more. And I began to accept things around me like it was natural for me to, eventhough I was rejecting everythng before. And just like that, semester 1 ended really well for me, in a way I'd never imagined possible before I went back to Malaysia the first time.

I remember. I remember what gave me that change. What gave me that extra boost that suddenly made the coin flip sides, what made everything suddenly seem better. It was 'home'. One week at home and I'd be ready to take on the world.

I remember this feeling. It's homesickness. I miss home. I miss everyone so badly I would drop everything right now and come home. Even when I was in my spot of sun, I still went home each weekend. But it's no longer a three hour bus ride. It's a whole 8 hours at a price that doesn't allow for me to be home every weekend. Oh those simple weekends at home. How I miss them. How I miss all of you. How I hate not being able to see you all in person. How I miss the hugs, the teasing, the smalltalk when we'd all be in the same room waiting to fall asleep, the laughter, the out-of-tune singing to the radio or our travelling games, camping in front of the television in the living room and not moving until we finished that series, the background yelling of two very annoying online gamers that should really get a life, looking for the right weeds and grass for Fluffy, cooking with and for Grandma, my piano, my room, my stash of anime DVDs. How I miss home.

This is a feeling no one else outside 'our world' will understand. I don't need to travel around the world. I don't want to visit places during my breaks just because 'I'm already here, I might as well'. I know exactly what I want. I want to be right there, next to all of you. I want to be home.

So I'll hang on and count down the days. I'll be strong and do my best. Because I remember why I came back here and why I had to come here. 58 more days. 58 more days and I'll be home. Where I remember being the happiest I could ever be.

All it takes is one flick of a finger, and then it'll all shatter.

I've long realized life's been imperfect (Though at times, everything was perfect, even if it was only that small frame of time.) But since when did imperfection become so bad?

I won't lie. I haven't exactly been living in a castle built on a rainbow with cute little unicorn ponies galloping around the lush green meadows with bright sunflowers and peonies surrounding the castle. I haven't exactly been living in a hell-hole either. There has always been this somewhat careful balance in between everything. A silent weighing scale that holds a little bit of the good and bad on both sides. And there was always a veil, a veil to cover the mechanism behind the machine so that everyone would be kept in suspense as they continually try to figure how to make the scale tip more on the good side.

Everyone except oblivious old me of course. I liked the balance. I liked what I had, I never really wanted more. The machine can do what it wants, to me it didn't even exist. And this continued on for I can't remember how long.

Then I grew older. Somewhere along the way my veil got torn away, forcing me to open my eyes and look properly for the first time. I don't know if I like what I saw, or am still seeing.

On the one hand, I saw things that piqued my interest. Things that I thought I knew, but had much more in them to discover than I had initially thought. Songs held deeper meaning, I could relate to them better now. Those complex Chinese characters I always thought were alien compounds began to look like simple combinations of more familiar elements that I know.  Things that I used to regard as difficult turned out to be no big deal. These things made me smile at the naivety of the past me, the plain simplicity of the things that used to baffle me was unthinkable. Seeing these made me feel like I had come a long way, that I have grown and matured. I am different; I am the newest and latest version of myself, an evolved smartphone from the once contentedly indestructible Nokia 3310. It would have been nice if that was all I had seen.

On the other hand, there were things that frightened me, made me feel uncomfortable. Made me REGRET the day the veil was torn. Things I don't want to see. Feelings I don't want to associate with. Thoughts I DON'T NEED. People I should have never cared about. I saw the tensions in the weak strings of what I thought were strong ropes of human relationships. The frailness of the glass of trust that kept all the insecurity in it. The hollowness of hearts, the injustice of the just, the other side of the silver coin. Pandora's box. The mirror of truth. It was like a double-edged sword. Because I knew more, I could understand more. Because I understood more, I saw more of the truth. And sometimes, the truth will hurt. And it will hurt bad.

Now then, do we embrace it or deny its existence? The happiness you once knew came with an unknown price. Its like unknowingly having extra charges made to your credit card while you were on a bargain sale purchase. Everything feels awesome at first and then you realize you've been scammed, in fact you've lost more than you would have in a normal purchase.

But this is not a bargain sale. This is you and life.There is no turning back. You open that veil and you see the weighing balance. You find newfound happiness, you also experience immeasurable loneliness with its absence. You find the wonders of faith and trust, but not without a bitter taste of betrayal. You'll achieve great understanding of others, but you'll also have to live with the disappointment when you understand why they did what they did. The greatest triumphs come with tantamount losses as its prologue. Yin and yang. Black and white. Up and down.

You either take it all in or lock yourself in a sheltered world of glass. If you choose the latter, remember, all it takes is a flick of a finger and then it'll all shatter. And then you naturally get cut from the fragments.

Oh. So this is why I'm bleeding. Time to put on some band-aids myself. It's faster when you don't have to rely on anyone else, after all.