Hey, if it's not too late, I still want to be friends.

"Don't let the fear of getting hurt or suffering a loss stop you from doing what you want to do, because I know you won't want to regret not doing something."

"Problems will come, things will happen in the most unexpected ways. But as long as your heart's still beating, no matter how exhausted you are, you'll be able to deal with it. The Qian Wen I know can do that and much more."

"There will be times when you wish for more and other people's lives will seem more fulfilling and joyful, but that's not your life. You have your own umeboshi* people are envious of so even if you can't see it yet, know and believe that it's there."

Darn did those words hit home. It was as if the 15 and 17-year old me caught me when I was desperately hiding and running away.

十字路。

Crossroads.

I've tried so hard to make myself believe that I've finally picked a path, but in actual fact, I was always still there. The crossroads are never-ending and the path is ever winding. The spot where I stood 6 years ago has an uncanny resemblance with the spot I currently tread on my feet.

To be honest, I'm not quite sure why I picked Actuarial Studies to start. Part of it was because I had convinced myself, like many others, that math was my niche and so it was the right career path. Part of it might have been due to its high-paying prospects. But part of it was also probably to avoid having to keep looking for a different major to dive into, and that I could try to challenge this 'extremely difficult' major to see if it was 'The One'.

And so I lived through what was supposed to be an enlightening three-year degree for two and a half years, at the end of which, I was so exhausted and tired, I convinced myself I needed a break. Whether it was really because I needed a break or whether I was approaching my limits, I don't really know for sure.

Enter the following year when I finally started to work, I told myself that I would give Actuarial a try. And that was where I learnt that I had learnt nothing at all, that three-- two and a half years in uni with 5 professional exemptions, didn't equip me in the slightest for what was to come. There were language barriers, communication difficulties, awkward ensuing silences, unfounded expectations with poor support leading to a very, very insecure me. Imagine going onto a battlefield empty-handed, waging war when you didn't even know whose side you were on and who your comrades were. That was probably how I felt, but I stuck to it anyway, trying my best in whatever little I could do, appreciating the smallest help I got (I really am eternally grateful to those helping hands) but deep inside, I couldn't wait to get it over and done with. 

The freedom I felt when it was all over. I managed to convince myself, with little effort, that it was not for me. That it wasn't meant to be. That maybe, I have a different calling. That there must be something else that I could do better.

"It's okay to rely on people once in a while, there's no shame in asking for guidance when you're lost."

Secretly, deep down inside, I was afraid. Afraid that if I told them what I really felt and went through, they would verify that I wasn't good enough for Actuarial after all. It sounds so stupid thinking about it out loud like this, but it made me realize that what I was really afraid of was being disassociated from Actuarial, that I actually liked it more than I thought. 

"Hold on to that frustration of being the weakest, because that is a sign that you haven't given up on yourself yet."

Today, I finally broke the ice and talked to someone Qualified about it. Granted, it took a bit of a push for me to do it, I didn't really want to at first, but I'm really glad I did. Because everything I heard today slashed away some of my unfounded insecurities and fear, so much so, that I felt silly for letting a little bad experience scare me away so badly. 

So, here I am reconsidering my career choice. Here I am, putting myself at the crossroads once more. This time I'll ask, this time I'll press harder, this time I'll be thick-faced and face it all headfirst. 

Dear God, if it's not too late, grant me the strength to see this through.

Dear Actuarial, if it's not too late, let's make up, I still want to be friends with you. 

The path ahead will be hard, there will be lots of sacrifices to make, but that was true of all the paths before me and look how far its brought me.

"Do not fear the new, embrace it with an open heart and meld it in with what you are without losing yourself."

* Umeboshi is Japanese pickled plum . This is a reference to Natsuki Takaya's manga/anime Fruits Basket where Honda Tohru describes everyone as onigiris (rice-balls) envying everyone else because they are unable to see their own unique umeboshi because they're stuck on their backs.

* Quotes are from time capsules by my 15 and 17-year old selves as well as a quote from Rakudai Kishi No Cavalry.

10 Things Uni Taught Me.

With the end of exams comes the winter break. One semester to go before I'll be done with this degree I started two years ago. Boy does time fly.

Soon, it'll be that time in life again, where I face crossroads and decisions. I know I've always dreaded decisions; not knowing where each road could lead to is a really scary thing. Am I making the right choices, have I done enough, will I be alright?

But if there's anything these past two years here has taught me, it's that I can stand perfectly on my own two feet. I came here like a scared little fledgling roaming away from her nest for the very first time, with fears that piled up mountain high. I was forced outside my comfort zone and tried to desperately grab a hold of an anchor to mold a new comfort zone because uncertainties and the unknown scared me to no bounds.

But hey, it's been two years. To others, I might have been 'wasting my time' here because I haven't gone out as much and experienced Melbourne. But I've been taking baby steps, small but steady ones outside my 'little world'.

1. I can go around the city on my own now, without needing someone to come with me. I have tried exploring the different routes I can take to uni and now have a few 'shortcuts' of my own. Public transport is no longer something unsafe, it is convenient and reliable. 
2. I discovered the joys of cooking, of making so many different things from the same few ingredients, letting my creativity flow coupled with random cravings every now and then. Honestly, I'm not quite sure how my cooking improved, given that all I've been doing is experimenting based on whimsical ideas that pop into my head when I see a certain ingredient on sale while grocery shopping. 
3. My tolerance for pressure has leveled up. Overloading as well as doing my part in the UMSU Intl has completely rebuilt my tolerance levels. Having to meet so many demands from so many areas of uni life as well as fulfilling my personal expectations often left me with a heavy burden on my shoulder, but just like someone who trains their muscle strength by lifting weights, I guess I've somehow worked myself around it all. Granted, it doesn't always work, I do have times when I panic and break down, but I feel like going through uni has enabled me to take much, much more crap from my surroundings.
4. Chipped away a little perfectionism. I am more than aware that I have always been somewhat of a perfectionist, but uni has taught me that you can't have it all, because 12 weeks is actually very little time. So it's okay not to put in 110% into everything, rather, judgement of how much effort to put into something is extremely crucial especially when you're maintaining a fragile balance between 5 subjects, student union activities and your personal and social life. It actually feels quite liberating to know that you can hold back and take a break, rather than push onward constantly like a deranged bull.
5. If you have time to panic, you have time to plan. Whenever I feel super panicky or unsure about what's going on, I sit down with a piece of paper and start planning out all the things that need to be done/ problems that need to be solved and then order them according to priority. Even if I don't do things according to plan in the end (which usually happens thanks to procrastination/over-indulgence of anime, manga and k-drama/no mood/ being lazy), I'll just re delegate my tasks over the time I have left because that's about all I can do. Also, when all else fails, wash away all that uneasiness with a nice, warm shower and a good nap (or play the guitar).
6. Trust. Honestly, there's so much to say about this given how my naivety of trusting people so much usually ends up throwing me in a state of turmoil. But I've decided that while my heart may be closed off, I'll keep my mind open and let the things that hurt me go because life is way too short to let insignificant, transient things bother me. Regardless of how many people out there may try to bother me, as long as I remember those who stay true to me and love me, that's more than enough.
7. There is no shame in taking the easy way out. This might prove to be the most important lesson I've learnt in uni, maybe. While we should work hard to achieve our goals, there is nothing wrong with taking paths that require the least effort to get there. We live our whole lives trying to be the best, but more often than not, we miss the real point of things. Being the 'best' doesn't equal to forcing yourself to do something more difficult just because your ego thinks you should be able to handle it; more often it's having the judgement of how to achieve your goals in the simplest way that is crucial. I mean, come on, why else do you think mathematicians invented all those formulae to make calculating things easier than having to go through the same, long, boring basic algorithms all the time. Pssh.
8. Believe in yourself; everything will be alright. Because a little self confidence goes a long way in keeping your mind calm and open to ideas that will pave the way to an adequate solution to whatever problems you're facing. There is ALWAYS a solution, though some may come at a higher price than others.
9. Live in the moment and look forward to the future. Looking to the past is fine as long as you remember where you are right now. This moment will only come once, so make the most of it. Even if things are down and depressing, there will be a silver lining on that cloud. So even if times are tough, put on a smile and start looking for that little ray of sun, because things could always have been worse. As long as your heart beats, things are still going great and will get better.
10. What happiness really is. This is probably the linchpin of what decisions I'll make from here on. True happiness comes in different forms for everyone, be it a simple well-cooked meal, a good anime episode or manga chapter or a lazy Sunday afternoon with loved ones.

I actually started writing this post days before my final exam and left it as a draft till today. Perhaps I wanted to leave something as a reminder to my future self, or perhaps I wanted to pen down something concrete to ascertain that I have changed in some ways. 

Today, I met some friends from college; while some of them already know what they'll be doing years from now, some are still as unsure as I am. So I'll trust my heart and take a leap of faith. From here on out, whatever happens, I'll just keep trying my best. 

The 2013 To-do List.

It's February, hardly the first month of the year but hey, Chinese New Year's still not over yet so I'm not too late in posting my New Year's Resolutions for 2013. (It took me a while to think of a proper list, might get longer along the way with updates.)

1. Enjoy life in Melbourne So maybe I'll try not get homesick as much, be more familiar with surroundings (yes I'll try to enlarge my 5km radius perimeter from my unit alright?), balance work and play, experiment a lot more in food and cooking, make full use of the high-speed internet to indulge in more anim-- erm, I mean... Yeah, you get the idea.

2. Maintain first class honours in my course and not go green with jealousy at people with day-offs. 
/hmph.

3. Try something new. Credit to Mr Fortune Cookie, could be anything. Paintball seems like the first on the list though.

4. Read a bit more (not just manga, but proper english articles /gulp.)

5. Exercise. I realized I don't exercise much. Okay, scratch that. My only form of exercise is walking to uni and back. So maybe this year I'll try going jogging or go on the treadmill once a month or something. Just to build stamina so I can kick butt when I come back for Galactic Laser and DDR.

6. Write again. Those unfinished stories and novels aren't going to write themselves after all.

7. Learn at least 3 more songs on the piano this year. 
May seem very little but hey, I can't bring my keyboard to Melb so this shall be done only during my winter and summer breaks. Unless I find a piano there.

8. Kanji. By the end of this year, I expect to have at least memorized all the kanji in the JLPT N5 list. Even if I don't /touchwood manage to enrol in Jap2.

9. Be myself. 
Because that's the only person I'm comfortable being and I'm not changing that anytime soon.
Phew. That's it for now I guess. Let's work hard this year, Ayame. :)