.:: A roller coaster ride ::.

Mood: Utter frustration.

There are things that I cannot understand,

things I cannot do,

things I cannot accept.

Labels for example.

What makes a person smarter than the other?

Grades? IQ scores? Credits?

People are different, yet we're essentially the same.

Who is to say that one cannot succeed?

Who is to say that one definitely will?

No one was born with a label

'smarter than the other' on their heads.

And therefore, no one is born with a label

'doomed to fail' on their heads.

And then there's fate.

Who is to say that it exists?

Who is to say that it doesn't?

No one knows the future,

and if one were to draw it out,

it'd be like drawing a multi-layered plan

with infinite routes, 

each having equal possibilities of happening.

Oh but according to laws of probabilities,

surely one is more likely to happen than the other?

I don't think so.

I believe in fate.

But the fate I believe in is carved by our own

hands and is never set in stone.

Because we choose what route we take

and we're not robots who act on probability.

We act on emotions, instincts and 'leaps of faith'

If there was only a 0.00001% chance of being

able to save a loved one, would we do it?

If there was an equally small chance of being saved

and surviving together, would we want to be saved?

It kinda depends on the person, doesn't it?

But if it was an animal,

it'd be an immediate yes.

Because animals don't calculate.

Because animals don't judge.

Because they would only have one goal

and they instinctively act towards that one aim,

putting their all into it.

So why are we different?
We complicate things.

We set so many goals  for ourselves,

hold onto so many expectations

that we unconsciously suffocate in them.

We put ourselves in a bind because we don't

know which direction to take,

because we fear what lies ahead,

because our so-called intelligence allows us to anticipate.

Our memory allows us to remember and regret past actions

which forms chains that stop us from moving forward.

No one would be immediately eager to leap into a

swimming pool after almost getting drowned.

Nor would they barbecue anything after almost dying in a fire.

But even so, we can carry on.

If we have enough determination to do so , we can change.

Oh and then there's another thing I cannot understand.

Fear of things we've never experienced before.

I don't understand the basis of this fear,

but I feel it anyway.

The words 'What if' weigh way 

too strongly in my mind

for my liking.

When I was in Universal Studios Singapore,

me and my siblings were so excited to ride the Cylon.

It's one of the two roller coasters that meet each other

and it goes 360 degrees five times 

(in description, but I only felt 3)

and it's the swing-like type of coaster,

something I had yet to try at that moment.

It was a super long queue 

(no thanks to the other 22999 visitors in the theme park)

so we had plenty of time to anticipate it.

I cannot express the amount of fear 

I felt waiting to go on that ride.

There was a technical error before it was opened 

a few minutes after and it didn't help that Mum

was putting all kinds of thoughts in my head;

mainly worst-case scenarios of course.

Countless times I considered bailing,

which I found ridiculous because it

wasn't even that scary when I was actually on it.

So why do we do that to ourselves?

Create worst-case scenarios of 'what if-s'

and almost stop ourselves from something good.

Why do we fear something we don't even know?

Ironic how children fear nothing when they have so

much they don't know and then when they grow,

suddenly their unfounded fears start growing.

I want to say that I learnt something from

that roller coaster ride, but I'm not too confident about it.

I want to say that I've learnt that we shouldn't 

let fear stop us from doing anything.

I want to say that if I were to dismiss an option

it would be because I know for sure that 

my abilities won't be able to match up the occasion

and not because of 'what if-s', but then again

we never know till we try.

I want to say that from now on I'll take on the

future without fear, but I can only try.

What I can say is that

Life is like a roller-coaster ride.

We may all fear what happens on that ride,

but we lined up for it anyways.

No one forced us into doing it, but we still do.

And in a way, the fear of anticipation

will only add to the amount of relief and joy

once you've made your choice the right one.

Notice I didn't say when you make the right choice,

because from what I know, there is no such thing.

A quote from the back of my head 

whose origins I cannot recall:

"There is no right or wrong, only difference."

Now excuse me, 

I have a roller coaster to ride

and enjoy while it lasts. :)

Final Mood:
Frustration gone. 

I love how blogging transforms

all negative emotions into a lesson.

So I guess that's the moral of today's story 

(though it doesn't sound much like one hee.)

.:: ::.

So what do you do the people you thought would make you

laugh were the ones that made you cry?

You cry as much as you want,

praying it would rain,

sing a sad song and

then remind yourself to never take off that mask again.

I didn't apologize

because I knew that it'd be pointless.

You'll never change who I am in your eyes.

And I'll never stop being the person

reflected in your eyes.

Because it's already a perception set in stone.

We're blind to each other's thoughts

and we'll never see eye-to-eye,

though sometimes it seems like we're close.

Everything that's done had only one intention

in your eyes so let it be.

If it seemed like the world had to revolve around me,

then I'm sorry.

But if anything, I'm glad for one thing.

That you've never stopped believing in me.

So much so that it makes me feel like you're just

pushing on that faith because you don't

want to admit to yourself that I'm not all that.

But I'm only human.

And I had to be me.

For all the things I've taken.

I'm sorry.

For all the things I've broken.

I'm sorry.

For never being able to really change,

for always forgetting myself and relapsing.

I'm sorry.

I may not know all my flaws and weaknesses,

but I had hoped you'd help me change.

But I don't blame you because you've all stuck with the selfish me

and had hoped that I'd notice and change myself.

For not noticing, for not changing.

I'm sorry.

God gave me two feet but it seems like I can never

stand right on my own.

I'm sorry for always relying on you,

for being a burden eventhough you have 

your own matters to worry about.

If it seemed like I've always been blaming you,

I'm sorry.

For not having the courage or 

the calmness to tell you this in person,

I'm sorry.

Ah, this post will probably make you angry too.

I'm sorry for that as well.

Those were never my intentions,

but you'll never believe me, so I'll apologize in advance.

I had a horrible day today.

But let's just say a lesson was learnt.

In a sea of familiarity, its unbelievably easy

to realize that when it comes down to things,

everyone is truly alone.

Sometimes I wish I'd never opened those doors.

I want to go back to those days when all

of these were hidden from me.

To those times where I didn't need to

pretend everything was alright,

when I didn't have to hide behind a mask.

When it wasn't this difficult to answer a simple question of

'Who am I?"

Because right now, I don't know anymore.