All it takes is one flick of a finger, and then it'll all shatter.

I've long realized life's been imperfect (Though at times, everything was perfect, even if it was only that small frame of time.) But since when did imperfection become so bad?

I won't lie. I haven't exactly been living in a castle built on a rainbow with cute little unicorn ponies galloping around the lush green meadows with bright sunflowers and peonies surrounding the castle. I haven't exactly been living in a hell-hole either. There has always been this somewhat careful balance in between everything. A silent weighing scale that holds a little bit of the good and bad on both sides. And there was always a veil, a veil to cover the mechanism behind the machine so that everyone would be kept in suspense as they continually try to figure how to make the scale tip more on the good side.

Everyone except oblivious old me of course. I liked the balance. I liked what I had, I never really wanted more. The machine can do what it wants, to me it didn't even exist. And this continued on for I can't remember how long.

Then I grew older. Somewhere along the way my veil got torn away, forcing me to open my eyes and look properly for the first time. I don't know if I like what I saw, or am still seeing.

On the one hand, I saw things that piqued my interest. Things that I thought I knew, but had much more in them to discover than I had initially thought. Songs held deeper meaning, I could relate to them better now. Those complex Chinese characters I always thought were alien compounds began to look like simple combinations of more familiar elements that I know.  Things that I used to regard as difficult turned out to be no big deal. These things made me smile at the naivety of the past me, the plain simplicity of the things that used to baffle me was unthinkable. Seeing these made me feel like I had come a long way, that I have grown and matured. I am different; I am the newest and latest version of myself, an evolved smartphone from the once contentedly indestructible Nokia 3310. It would have been nice if that was all I had seen.

On the other hand, there were things that frightened me, made me feel uncomfortable. Made me REGRET the day the veil was torn. Things I don't want to see. Feelings I don't want to associate with. Thoughts I DON'T NEED. People I should have never cared about. I saw the tensions in the weak strings of what I thought were strong ropes of human relationships. The frailness of the glass of trust that kept all the insecurity in it. The hollowness of hearts, the injustice of the just, the other side of the silver coin. Pandora's box. The mirror of truth. It was like a double-edged sword. Because I knew more, I could understand more. Because I understood more, I saw more of the truth. And sometimes, the truth will hurt. And it will hurt bad.

Now then, do we embrace it or deny its existence? The happiness you once knew came with an unknown price. Its like unknowingly having extra charges made to your credit card while you were on a bargain sale purchase. Everything feels awesome at first and then you realize you've been scammed, in fact you've lost more than you would have in a normal purchase.

But this is not a bargain sale. This is you and life.There is no turning back. You open that veil and you see the weighing balance. You find newfound happiness, you also experience immeasurable loneliness with its absence. You find the wonders of faith and trust, but not without a bitter taste of betrayal. You'll achieve great understanding of others, but you'll also have to live with the disappointment when you understand why they did what they did. The greatest triumphs come with tantamount losses as its prologue. Yin and yang. Black and white. Up and down.

You either take it all in or lock yourself in a sheltered world of glass. If you choose the latter, remember, all it takes is a flick of a finger and then it'll all shatter. And then you naturally get cut from the fragments.

Oh. So this is why I'm bleeding. Time to put on some band-aids myself. It's faster when you don't have to rely on anyone else, after all.

.:: Knock knock. ::.

So this is what they mean by "You'll never know when opportunity will come and knock on your door."

But should I open it?

Funny how the previous me would have jumped in glee, but the current me could really care less.

Maybe this time it will work out.

Maybe. But do I want it to?

knock knock.

Oh well, I suppose it won't hurt to give it a go. Fingers crossed. :)

.:: So here I am ::.

Get into uni, check.

Survive apocalypse, check.

Have a great year, check.

The trouble with writing a blog post while having anime mp3s playing in the background is the constant urge to name the post after one of the songs.

Just like that, 2o12 is over. Time to pay extra attention while writing down that last digit of the date on those papers because you know you're still bound to slip and write '12' instead of '13' one out of ten times. At least for the first month of the year.

This year--- my bad, last year, the water dragon somehow decided that I should tag along on its flight. Up and down, up and down, its curved body moves in the skies like a sine curve. Up and down, up and down, the patterns of my year was dictated, but not without exposure to new experiences, new insights, new places, new things. 

Fireworks, red lanterns, food, pictures, laughter, accompanied by butterflies-- giant moths nesting in my stomach as the New Year was ushered in. While everyone else was wishing each other a Happy Chinese New Year, my mind was busy refreshing a single page for A-Levels results. The relief seeing the 4A*s that were like a dream. Up.

Friends start parting to go their separate ways. Slightly down. Slightly because I'll see them again soon enough.

Choral speaking. Public speaking. Story-telling. Training children to do the things I used to do in school. The feeling of achievement when they win. The feeling of happiness when you receive a present on Teacher's Day. 

KWN Panasonic training. A shift in responsibilities, from participant to facilitator. It gave me insight on how much work really went on behind the scenes of the awesome workshops we have each year. Teamwork and coordination. Hard work and determination to put out the best. Being part of Malaysia's first video meet with Japan as a translator was an honor. Not to mention the launch of the Panasonic 3D video cameras. 

Filming our first documentary on turtles was difficult, but not without its rewards. Following turtle tracks, witnessing a turtle lay its eggs, counting the hundreds of ping-pong shaped eggs and burying them in a protected hatchery, witnessing the hatch-lings climb out of the deep hole their shells were buried in, was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. 

Learning to not fear interviewers. Seeing eye-to-eye with them as people who are looking for something in you. Learning a little more about hypocrisy, politics, scams and lies. Standing up for what's right and criticizing what's ridiculous, even if the planes are tilted and you're on the lower one. 

Melbourne. Accelerated Maths 2. MUOSS. Uni.

Decisions.

Uncertainty.

Fear.

Lack of confidence.

Results.

Sticking by choices.

Hanging on.

Believing.

Calmness.

Relief and joy.

Home, sweet home.

I admit, when I first reached Melbourne, part of me was rejecting it. Part of me wanted to bolt and go home. 

How high does the sycamore grow?

If you cut it down, you will never know.

And I wanted to know. And now I do. I'm glad that I did what I did. I like who I've become.

 

Thoughts.

So it's back to square one, but a fresher start than the last.

I've been kept seriously busy by all the things happening around me

these past few supposed-to-be-idyllic months.

So much to do, so much to think about.

When somebody asks me what I'm doing next,

I give them the standard answer.

"Waiting for UK intake in September,

applying for scholarships,

hoping for the best."

No one ever realizes the possible contradiction in the answer.

What exactly is the best that can happen?

Going to UK?

Well sure, I've gotten my unconditional offers

to all the universities I've applied for

and the scholarship application process is so far so good.

It helps that my A-Level results were exactly what I hoped for.

But is getting a scholarship and going overseas

'the best'?

I don't know.

The problem is, I don't know what I want.

I sort of want to do Actuarial Science,

I like the whole idea of doing something so deeply

entwined with calculations, but if asked to do engineering,

I don't think I can put up much arguments for a 'no'.

Although post-SPM me has discovered that

medicine and pharmacy were no longer in my list of okay,

my options are still pretty open.

I'm hesitant. I'm hesitant because,

when I leave for UK (and if I do),

yeah, there'll be a bundle of new opportunities

and discoveries and experiences.

But there'll be things I'll miss out on here, back at home.

I will miss weekends in Kuantan,

spending quality time squabbling with siblings,

watching movies with the rest and cooking with Grandma.

I will miss the scent of my room,

the little room I have lived in for the past how many years.

I will miss Fluffy. I will miss fried egg with onions.

I will miss rice. I will miss the simple fried maggi Mum 

whips up in the middle of the night to fill our empty stomachs.

I will miss waking up from nightmares and then jumping in between

Mum and Dad in their bed and feeling safe and  protected then.

I will miss Pinky, Li and Hui. I will miss Malaysian weather.

I will miss the routines I have been so used to

living for the past 20 years of my life.

I am secretly afraid. Secretly afraid that things will

somehow change. Change and disappear from my life.

.:: Tell Your World ::.

There comes a time when you notice

that you know nothing of this world.

I wonder how its actually possible to be able

to have grown up the way I did,

being so oblivious to the world around me.

I wonder.

How many things happened while I was

ignoring those papers?

How many calamities stroke?

How many lives did those take?

How are people really like out there?

Really, it only hit me recently

how much I've been missing out on what's

happening to the world while I've been living

a sheltered life on my own.

A tsunami occurring in another country

used to be just sad news to me,

but now it is suddenly of great concern.

Because I have people I know and cherish 

in those countries and I worry for their safety.

Some financial crisis years ago

was of little importance to me,

but since taking Economics, its weightage

has been more substantial and noticeable.

The organisations around me,

used to be just labels I spelt for fun as

I walked/ drove past them,

but now not only do I find myself not only acknowledging

their presence, I'm actually applying for scholarships from

them if I ever want to have a shot at studying overseas.

Suddenly the world seems to have grown.

No. I think I have grown.

The child shell that held me in can no

longer accommodate me.

And so, here's me, taking my first step in the world.

I want to learn now.

So Dear God, teach me. help me. let me learn.

Tell me about your world,

the world that I've been missing out on.


"The things you want to tell us,
The sounds you want to reach us,
Those many points become a line
And echo far into the distance.
The words you want to tell us,
The sounds you want to reach us,
Those countless lines become a loop,
Connecting everything, no matter where you are"
-Tell Your World, Hatsune Miku

.:: Yubikiri ::.

Funny how when I wanted to start this post,

everything felt like it was going downhill

and now, I feel kinda calm.

I don't know if it's because

I'm listening to Younha's song Yubikiri

that I found by mistake or basically just because

I am SICK of how I'm always succumbing to thoughts

like 'i wish' and 'if only I had'.

Nothing's going to change by thinking that way right?

Eventhough I know all too well,

my mind just wanders on that path way too often.

But now I'm through with it.

I'll make up for what's lost.

I'll make up for what I never had, 

slowly but surely.

I'll make these weaknesses my strength.

.:: Dreams. Is this what you were trying to tell me, heart? ::.

Mood: Hungrry. :/

Lately I wake up from dreams not too far off from reality.

I find myself having to think before I could classify what really happened

and what only happened in the imaginary.

But its difficult seeing how real it feels.

Most times it's not so bad.

I've always somewhat believed Snow White's
"a dream is a wish the heart makes."

But I have to give it to my heart,

it never knows when it should stop wishing.

It always loves to bring up pieces of my past

and somehow harmonize it with the present

in a seemingly, real-life situation.

Of course, there's that 'pinch me' trick.

If you feel pain, then it's real right?

Wrong.

I feel pain even in dreams.

I feel every single emotion that you're supposed to 

feel outside the dream world.

Sadness, hunger, pain.

Happiness, joy, laughter.

Each word uttered is clearly heard.

Each song sung resonates in my head.

Each image seen photographed clearly.

Each emotion felt etched carefully on my heart.

Some emotions I should've long thrown away.

Like regret.

Regret.

Only leads you to a senseless void of despair,

muttering 'if only' and 'i should have'.

Well, hello heart, brain thinks you know clearly by now

we don't have a time machine and 

will never use one even if there was.

Some things cannot be changed.

But dreams insist otherwise,

so nicely melding fond memories of a person

to someone of the same name you no longer talk to.

So I decided, I'm going to put in a little faith

in those dreams.

And this time, if we still can't make up,

then I'll let go of this friendship.

No matter how treasured it was in the past.

Thank you for being with me until a little while back.

And sorry for anything that I might have done wrong.

Let's hope this distance between us can be closed. :)

**Update:
Dear Heart, you were halfway right,
I can't change the past, but the future's a different story.
Thank you for being so persistent. :)
I don't need a time machine to get things back the way they were.