.:: On the other side of that well ::.

It's the SECOND day since my A2 exams ended

And I'm already feeling the pressing need 

to start my next chapter of life.

I expected a break. 

I expected some standstill time in-between,

unproductive passing days like those after SPM,

at least a week to fly past before I pick myself up

and start doing something.

Ironic that I didn't have much to hold on to post-SPM

but I sure stuck with it for way longer compared to what

I want to hold on to now.

I find myself hearing this little voice in my head 

nagging at me.

That little voice wasn't supposed to come out yet.

I'm not supposed to hear you yet.

Because when I do, it means I've got to make a decision again.

I find myself at the cross-roads, one I've been putting off

since I started A-Levels.

I ended Form 5 filled with confidence.

That confidence shrunk halfway through the next year.

I realized too late that there were things that I 'wanted'

and things that I didn't.

I realized for the first time, how heavy the weight of decisions are.

Especially when you're the only one to shoulder that burden.

I wasted scholarship opportunities because

I was applying for all the wrong things;

no wonder I rejected them with such ease.

Until now, I'm not sure if I took A-levels

just because I was postponing the need for me to

make a decision, or whether I had a slight idea

where this life of mine is heading.

Part of me probably expected that I'll come out

from this program with a firmer idea where I was going.

Do I really want to do Actuarial Science?

Was this path meant for me?

But nothing happened.

I'm still the same me,

the same person who still doesn't know

what I want to be, who I'm meant to be,

what I'm meant to do.

Until now, it didn't matter what I did A-Levels for

because it was fun. Honestly.

It didn't matter that my whole lifestyle was warped

like that of a vampire's, waking up at the wrong hours 

of the day to do homework.

It didn't matter that I probably lost a few good years

of my life, pushing my physical capabilities

staying up for last-minute cramming;

I never even knew I had it in me to pull all-nighters

or stay awake for 14+ hours.

It didn't matter because I found new pieces of myself,

experienced  new things, had so many first times

-- outings, birthday celebrations, karaoke,

prom-like graduation, hugs,...

But now it's time to move on.

I feel a calling, but very time I try to follow it,

it brings me to a crossroad and the call ends there.

Like its asking me to choose.

I've been watching InuYasha non-stop yesterday,

and I realized how hard it must've been for Kagome.

She had so many choices to make,

so much to do. But she kept her heart open,

believed in herself and jumped down that Bone-Eater's Well.

So I guess I'll do the same.

I don't know where I'm supposed to go and 

I don't really feel like thinking about it,

but sooner or later I have to find out

what's on the other side of that well.

Dear God, you've always been there for me.

Lend me the strength,

so that whatever I choose,

no matter how bad it its,

I'll be strong enough to make it the right one.