.:: Yubikiri ::.

Funny how when I wanted to start this post,

everything felt like it was going downhill

and now, I feel kinda calm.

I don't know if it's because

I'm listening to Younha's song Yubikiri

that I found by mistake or basically just because

I am SICK of how I'm always succumbing to thoughts

like 'i wish' and 'if only I had'.

Nothing's going to change by thinking that way right?

Eventhough I know all too well,

my mind just wanders on that path way too often.

But now I'm through with it.

I'll make up for what's lost.

I'll make up for what I never had, 

slowly but surely.

I'll make these weaknesses my strength.

.:: Dreams. Is this what you were trying to tell me, heart? ::.

Mood: Hungrry. :/

Lately I wake up from dreams not too far off from reality.

I find myself having to think before I could classify what really happened

and what only happened in the imaginary.

But its difficult seeing how real it feels.

Most times it's not so bad.

I've always somewhat believed Snow White's
"a dream is a wish the heart makes."

But I have to give it to my heart,

it never knows when it should stop wishing.

It always loves to bring up pieces of my past

and somehow harmonize it with the present

in a seemingly, real-life situation.

Of course, there's that 'pinch me' trick.

If you feel pain, then it's real right?

Wrong.

I feel pain even in dreams.

I feel every single emotion that you're supposed to 

feel outside the dream world.

Sadness, hunger, pain.

Happiness, joy, laughter.

Each word uttered is clearly heard.

Each song sung resonates in my head.

Each image seen photographed clearly.

Each emotion felt etched carefully on my heart.

Some emotions I should've long thrown away.

Like regret.

Regret.

Only leads you to a senseless void of despair,

muttering 'if only' and 'i should have'.

Well, hello heart, brain thinks you know clearly by now

we don't have a time machine and 

will never use one even if there was.

Some things cannot be changed.

But dreams insist otherwise,

so nicely melding fond memories of a person

to someone of the same name you no longer talk to.

So I decided, I'm going to put in a little faith

in those dreams.

And this time, if we still can't make up,

then I'll let go of this friendship.

No matter how treasured it was in the past.

Thank you for being with me until a little while back.

And sorry for anything that I might have done wrong.

Let's hope this distance between us can be closed. :)

**Update:
Dear Heart, you were halfway right,
I can't change the past, but the future's a different story.
Thank you for being so persistent. :)
I don't need a time machine to get things back the way they were.

.::I can't lose to myself from yesterday ::.

Okays. 
Had a sudden craving for Saiyuki sometime last week

and since I can only find english dubs for it,
I decided to watch the more available Saiyuki Reload.

And from today's episode we have:

Demon: Muahahaha. I've obtained all the data on you
and created these clones. They match you in speed, 
attack patterns and strength. 
After numerous experiments, I finally finished them yesterday. 
And today'll be the day you die. *evil laugh*

Sanzo: Yesterday?
Gojyo: Ah. So this'll be a walk in the park.


*thrashes clones*

Demon: Impossible!! Why?


Sanzo: I don't know what your data says...
Goku: ... but that's just...
Sanzo: ...me from yesterday. 
I can't be losing to myself from yesterday. :D

*after a while*

Goku: It might be a bit too late now... 
but couldn't we have just gotten those 
clones to go to the west for us? o__o
Everyone: Ah. I didn't think of that.
Merciful Goddess (in heaven): Geez, these bunch of jokers... -___-|||


Gotta love Saiyuki Reload =3

Now that I think about it, the last digit of 2011 signified many '1st-s' to come.

So it's that time of the year again,

when a new one comes after one ends.

(though it's a bit late)

T h a n k  y o u  2 0 1 1 .

For all the firsts.

For all the love and joy.

For all the memories.

For the nostalgic tears I will cry when I look back at all

the pictures, videos and lame jokes we made.

 Tears that I am thankful for.
Momiji's happy-go-lucky-ness definitely rubbed
off on me this year. =)


[WARNING:
Loads of sentences will start with

'my first time', 'first experience' and many other 'firsts.']

The year started off a notch busier than the semester before.

 First class photo during Pav's birthday.

Of course, Jee An and Aryl felt the need to spoil it for me.

I remember how there was way too much cake that day. :D

When I think of Orange now, I think of all that corruption

on the Fridays we used to stay back and have lunch.

How we first lost face in TGIF Pyramid.

Truth-or-dare. Never pick either one.

(ESPECIALLY when Pav is asking the questions)

First kiss on the cheek by Harmeet -- Dare.
What happens at the table, stays in the table.

A little further down the month,

came CNY! :)

Pictures of our first time stepping into a decorated Chinatown,

despite going back there almost every year.

And then Mum let me host my first BBQ at the apartment.

The swimming - Alvin pushing Hafizul into the pool,
 The longest UNO stacko game ever -- Mr &Ms Malaysia,

Chess - how Pav and Clandia teamed up against me 

and Sien when they both didn't know how to play :P

The drive to and fro the apartment

- how the guys wanted me to go against the speed limit 

and kindly offered to pay for any summons I got in return. 

Of course I never did.

Moral studies presentation :)

First picture in Econs class. :D

My first time attending the No Apologies workshop.

And I still keep the pledge card. :)

First time in Italliannies. 
(I think that's what it's called)

My first time hiding under the tables in the lecture hall
waiting for Ms Amy :P

And then of course, came my first major
exam that year. AS. o__o

Of course, even then we still found ways to have fun.
Paper clip accessories! And Monopoly Deal. =D

And then some time to breathe post-AS.
First movie with lecturers. RIO. :D

First prom-like event. AAA Night.
Of dresses and suits, dances and hurt feet
washed away by the awesomeness of being together.  :)


And after that, everything felt like it was on fast-forward.
Third semester was unbelievably busy.
And halfway through came our first results.


It was one of those awkward moments when
everyone believes in you when you can't believe in yourself.
And thankfully, they were right.
A week before results came out was Li's birthday.
So they made a double celebration,
even before I got my results.
It was nice of them, but scary.
Then again, it was comforting when Mum said,
"It's alright cause we all know you did your best."


Even so, logging in was such a pain.
The fear, the nervousness.
If taking the exam was nerve-wrecking,
then judgement day was brain incapacitating.

In the end, it was my sister in Kuantan who managed to log in.
And I jumped up and down seeing the results.
So that week when I got back to Kuantan,
we had another big dinner in Balok.
Another double celebration.
Confirmation of my results and Pink's graduation.
It was all probably just an excuse 
to spend some good family time out,
but I'm glad the excuse could be used.

For the first time in a while, a picture of us siblings
with both Grandma and Grandpa.
Them who are super reluctant to have their picture taken.
There you go. A picture worth more than a thousand words and gold.


Oh yeah. Somewhere in the year,
I put on braces.
The first time I was exposed to such pain.
Patience and pain tolerance thresholds were tested.
When I talk about braces now,
the mood tends to darken,
(I NO LIKE dentists.)
so moving on.


Before I knew it, it was two weeks before trials.
In the face of examinations, there are always temptations.
Such as. The trip to Langkawi.
It took an entire week of convincing
& pretty effective reverse-psychology from Mum
and a little push from my friends that made me
jump onto that crazy pre-booked trip to Langkawi.
I'm super thankful for everyone who thought
I deserved this break, because it really did me some good.

My first picture with a snake.

My first time bathing in a lake.
A lake where Jian Hui drowned 
his new Sony Ericsson and wallet.

Tasik Dayang Bunting.

My first time snorkelling.

First experience on a two-wheeled terrain ride.

My first time being close to SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. Ugh.


And then, it was back to college.

First A-Levels Bad Hair Day.

Even Ms Yap joined in! :D

First experience as an Eskimo.


And then came trials.
And then came A2.
And there went my first times pulling all-nighters.
It was like SPM all over again, only worst.
And then came our freedom, separation (temporary)
before...

My birthday :)

And then there was the trip to Penang.
And for Christmas, we went to USS again :)

With the super cool cast of Waterworld.
I feel like I have a tendency to be bullied anywhere.
Even by an unknown actor I just met.
My hair got wet after this picture -___-|||
The trip included my first time on the Cylon
and Transformers ride. :D
Awesomeness.


And the end of the year was spent 
at home with family. :)

All in all, I'd say it was a great year.
One I would definitely miss.
And even if this year should bring us onto
different paths, I'll welcome them all,
because it was the same when you people came into my lives.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for making me who I am today. :)
Hello 2012! :)
It's finally Hatori's year.
Let's make it a great one. ^^

.:: A roller coaster ride ::.

Mood: Utter frustration.

There are things that I cannot understand,

things I cannot do,

things I cannot accept.

Labels for example.

What makes a person smarter than the other?

Grades? IQ scores? Credits?

People are different, yet we're essentially the same.

Who is to say that one cannot succeed?

Who is to say that one definitely will?

No one was born with a label

'smarter than the other' on their heads.

And therefore, no one is born with a label

'doomed to fail' on their heads.

And then there's fate.

Who is to say that it exists?

Who is to say that it doesn't?

No one knows the future,

and if one were to draw it out,

it'd be like drawing a multi-layered plan

with infinite routes, 

each having equal possibilities of happening.

Oh but according to laws of probabilities,

surely one is more likely to happen than the other?

I don't think so.

I believe in fate.

But the fate I believe in is carved by our own

hands and is never set in stone.

Because we choose what route we take

and we're not robots who act on probability.

We act on emotions, instincts and 'leaps of faith'

If there was only a 0.00001% chance of being

able to save a loved one, would we do it?

If there was an equally small chance of being saved

and surviving together, would we want to be saved?

It kinda depends on the person, doesn't it?

But if it was an animal,

it'd be an immediate yes.

Because animals don't calculate.

Because animals don't judge.

Because they would only have one goal

and they instinctively act towards that one aim,

putting their all into it.

So why are we different?
We complicate things.

We set so many goals  for ourselves,

hold onto so many expectations

that we unconsciously suffocate in them.

We put ourselves in a bind because we don't

know which direction to take,

because we fear what lies ahead,

because our so-called intelligence allows us to anticipate.

Our memory allows us to remember and regret past actions

which forms chains that stop us from moving forward.

No one would be immediately eager to leap into a

swimming pool after almost getting drowned.

Nor would they barbecue anything after almost dying in a fire.

But even so, we can carry on.

If we have enough determination to do so , we can change.

Oh and then there's another thing I cannot understand.

Fear of things we've never experienced before.

I don't understand the basis of this fear,

but I feel it anyway.

The words 'What if' weigh way 

too strongly in my mind

for my liking.

When I was in Universal Studios Singapore,

me and my siblings were so excited to ride the Cylon.

It's one of the two roller coasters that meet each other

and it goes 360 degrees five times 

(in description, but I only felt 3)

and it's the swing-like type of coaster,

something I had yet to try at that moment.

It was a super long queue 

(no thanks to the other 22999 visitors in the theme park)

so we had plenty of time to anticipate it.

I cannot express the amount of fear 

I felt waiting to go on that ride.

There was a technical error before it was opened 

a few minutes after and it didn't help that Mum

was putting all kinds of thoughts in my head;

mainly worst-case scenarios of course.

Countless times I considered bailing,

which I found ridiculous because it

wasn't even that scary when I was actually on it.

So why do we do that to ourselves?

Create worst-case scenarios of 'what if-s'

and almost stop ourselves from something good.

Why do we fear something we don't even know?

Ironic how children fear nothing when they have so

much they don't know and then when they grow,

suddenly their unfounded fears start growing.

I want to say that I learnt something from

that roller coaster ride, but I'm not too confident about it.

I want to say that I've learnt that we shouldn't 

let fear stop us from doing anything.

I want to say that if I were to dismiss an option

it would be because I know for sure that 

my abilities won't be able to match up the occasion

and not because of 'what if-s', but then again

we never know till we try.

I want to say that from now on I'll take on the

future without fear, but I can only try.

What I can say is that

Life is like a roller-coaster ride.

We may all fear what happens on that ride,

but we lined up for it anyways.

No one forced us into doing it, but we still do.

And in a way, the fear of anticipation

will only add to the amount of relief and joy

once you've made your choice the right one.

Notice I didn't say when you make the right choice,

because from what I know, there is no such thing.

A quote from the back of my head 

whose origins I cannot recall:

"There is no right or wrong, only difference."

Now excuse me, 

I have a roller coaster to ride

and enjoy while it lasts. :)

Final Mood:
Frustration gone. 

I love how blogging transforms

all negative emotions into a lesson.

So I guess that's the moral of today's story 

(though it doesn't sound much like one hee.)

.:: ::.

So what do you do the people you thought would make you

laugh were the ones that made you cry?

You cry as much as you want,

praying it would rain,

sing a sad song and

then remind yourself to never take off that mask again.

I didn't apologize

because I knew that it'd be pointless.

You'll never change who I am in your eyes.

And I'll never stop being the person

reflected in your eyes.

Because it's already a perception set in stone.

We're blind to each other's thoughts

and we'll never see eye-to-eye,

though sometimes it seems like we're close.

Everything that's done had only one intention

in your eyes so let it be.

If it seemed like the world had to revolve around me,

then I'm sorry.

But if anything, I'm glad for one thing.

That you've never stopped believing in me.

So much so that it makes me feel like you're just

pushing on that faith because you don't

want to admit to yourself that I'm not all that.

But I'm only human.

And I had to be me.

For all the things I've taken.

I'm sorry.

For all the things I've broken.

I'm sorry.

For never being able to really change,

for always forgetting myself and relapsing.

I'm sorry.

I may not know all my flaws and weaknesses,

but I had hoped you'd help me change.

But I don't blame you because you've all stuck with the selfish me

and had hoped that I'd notice and change myself.

For not noticing, for not changing.

I'm sorry.

God gave me two feet but it seems like I can never

stand right on my own.

I'm sorry for always relying on you,

for being a burden eventhough you have 

your own matters to worry about.

If it seemed like I've always been blaming you,

I'm sorry.

For not having the courage or 

the calmness to tell you this in person,

I'm sorry.

Ah, this post will probably make you angry too.

I'm sorry for that as well.

Those were never my intentions,

but you'll never believe me, so I'll apologize in advance.

I had a horrible day today.

But let's just say a lesson was learnt.

In a sea of familiarity, its unbelievably easy

to realize that when it comes down to things,

everyone is truly alone.

Sometimes I wish I'd never opened those doors.

I want to go back to those days when all

of these were hidden from me.

To those times where I didn't need to

pretend everything was alright,

when I didn't have to hide behind a mask.

When it wasn't this difficult to answer a simple question of

'Who am I?"

Because right now, I don't know anymore.