I choose.

Recently, it's been so hectic around here, I haven't had time to myself at all. It's always, 

" Oh, assignment's due on Monday" 

"Right, now that I've done this... time to prepare for that test."

"Oh snap, two tests in a day, have to make sure I'm in time for this."

"Aww newsletter's due tomorrow."

I suppose that's what you get when you sign up for 5 subjects in a semester plus being an office bearer in your student union. And then there will come times like this, when everything's all messy and tangled up and you have no idea where to start untangling the ropes. Your vision's fuzzy, your headlights dimmed, your engine's run-down and you're just downright exhausted. And then you get frustrated. At all the things you're expected of, at all the things you have to do, at the people around you and the place, weather, just everything.

But you know, deep down inside of you somewhere, the one you're most frustrated at, is yourself. Why am I so powerless? Why can't I do this? Why couldn't I do better? Inspirational stories of how people who are now successful have once failed seemed like a tape on repeat, you don't think it could apply to you at all. You're not inspired, you're just more angry at yourself now.

You whine, you cry (or at least try to), you try to sleep it off until you feel... numb. I tried my best, what else is there to do?

But was it really your best?

Too many times have I failed because I did not believe in myself. Too many times I have chosen to simply brush past my instincts, although time and time again, they've proven themselves to be the right answer. It took one Japanese tutorial to make me realize how important self-confidence really is. Yes, my Japanese isn't perfect, in fact, it's pretty flawed, but if I didn't believe in myself enough to follow my instincts and use the words I thought I should be using, then all of those words would've remained unspoken forever. Five years ago, had I not taken that leap of faith to start conversing in full Japanese during my exchange, I would be still the timid old me, muttering the one two words I was 100% confident of and learning nothing more. I was wrong loads of times, so much so that I feel kind of embarrassed thinking back now. But it didn't matter, I loved the language and I got back up each time. 

Falling and failing is all part of the process of growing. It's been a while since I last scraped a knee so I completely forgot how to treat one and it became pretty serious until I went to the pharmacy for help. I suppose it's the same with life. It's been a while since I've fallen down, so it takes a bit of time to figure out how to stand up again, it may not be the same as what I used to be able to do but it doesn't matter. If I wanted a simple, carefree life, I wouldn't have put myself on this track. I chose to be here. I chose the road not taken. I chose the rocky path. And now, in face of all this pressure, I choose to put my foot forward. 

I choose to believe.

Jack of Diamonds.

Sometimes you put your all into something and it just doesn't seem to connect for you. It's like walking on a travellator moving in the opposite direction, you walk and walk as fast as you can but it's just not fast enough. Sure you're not moving backwards, and you're pretty ahead of some people, but at least they're moving in some direction while you're just there, stationary at that same point on that travellator. You're exhausted, you're frustrated, you want a break. But the minute you stop to take a rest, you know you'll fall back and honestly, that's not something you can afford right now. So you hang in there and then you start questioning yourself. Why are you even on that travellator to start? But try as you might, you find no answer.

A jack of all traits is a master of none.
In the realm of playing cards, I'd prolly be the Jack of Diamonds, easily inferior to the rest of the Jacks; too large to join the numbers but too small to be part of the Royals.

But they say diamonds are precious. Let's hope they're right, because I sure don't feel that way right now. Someone please oh please show me how to refine this diamond in the rough, if that's truly what it is. Please.